“Lads, I’m Beside Myself” – Leonardo DiCaprio’s Diary Entry

Lads, I'm beside myself... ... to be taking part in Her.ie's diary entry series! (Also, there's a very strong chance that I'm still drunk). Christ, I'm chuffed. Six nominations later and I finally get that 13 and a half inches of validation. To be honest, I wasn't sure if I was a good actor, but this has finally silenced all my insecurities. I'll tell you one thing, I was sick to the back teeth of putting on that fake smile when other actors beat me in previous years, especially when Jamie Foxx won in 2005 for Ray! I've had ingrown toenails more interesting than that film. A lot of people came up to me after the show last night and said my speech about climate change was very moving. I agree, it was. But to be fair, I had to do something. It was a toss up between highlighting the extortionate price of Freddos and climate change, so I flipped a coin and well you can work out the rest. My next Oscar speech will address our chocolately discrepancies, rest assured.   So, what's next for old Capri Sun? I'm going to get a feed of sausages into me anyway - absolutely ravenous. You don't get a bite to eat during the ceremony. Obviously my nerves were at me, but at the same time I would've murdered a vol-au-vent or a mini quiche or something. It was great to see my pal Kate Winslet at the awards. I had a few things to clear up with her, specifically how she heartlessly let me drift into painless death during Titanic, when there was blatantly room for two of us on that piece of wood. She had some nerve trying to hold my hand. People don't forget, Catherine. My Oscar is going straight on the mantelpiece, right beside my photo with Samantha Mumba. I've been keeping a spot there for a long time and I can't believe I'll actually get to fill it now. The whole thing hasn't really sunk in just yet. Like, I cut my hand during Django Unchained and now I've slept inside a dead horse during filming of The Revenant. WHAT MORE COULD I DO? Hopefully now I can have a bit more luck with the ladies. As you can see, I'm incredibly unattractive and unsuccessful, so now I'm praying that this Oscar win will attract some female attention. Fingers crossed! Right, Clooney has another round of Jägerbombs lined up at the bar so I'm going to need to get involved there. Thanks again to The Academy - I'm going to go get out of me bin now!   Leo x