“Lads, I’m Livid” – Garth Brooks’ Diary Entry

How's everyone? Garth Brooks here, delighted to be taking part in Her.ie's diary entry series. Today started out like any typical morning, I got up, adjusted my Stetson and got ready to attack the day. I sleep in a denim shirt, cowboy boots and a Stetson, obviously. Most mornings I'll have a quick NutriBullet smoothie, just a handful of kale, some apple juice and a Kinder Bueno whizzed together for a minute. Delicious and a brilliant kick-start to your metabolism. It was my birthday yesterday so I cleared up some of the decorations - we had a pretty wild party which included, but was not limited to, guests such as Justin Timberlake, my wife Trisha Yearwood, Pitbull, George Michael and Ellen DeGeneres. I was sipping my way through my delicious smoothie when I got a phone call from my good friend Vogue Williams. She informed me that my other good friend Beyoncé would be playing Croke Park. Lads, my heart sank. I was devastated. All I want in life is to intimately perform in that 82,300-capacity venue three times with an average ticket price of €65, to give the people of Ireland what they want. I have a deep connection with Ireland, it is my spiritual home and a fantastic source of revenue for my upcoming album. Don't get me wrong, I'm a huge fan of Bey. She is bae. But naturally, I'm jealous that she's going to get to perform in the same venue that international sensations The Coronas have graced with their presence. She deserves it, but I'd be surprised if her tickets sold out as quickly as mine. I thought of a funny joke around lunchtime. I was putting that new Jennifer Lawrence film on a USB for Trisha earlier when the file completely erased itself. 3GB of data, gone. Instead of being upset about it, I said: "That USB just did a Garth - it lost 3 gigs!!!". I chuckled to myself for upwards of five minutes. Garth Brooks - country singing sensation and unrecognised comedian! The evening was pretty uneventful until Beyoncé rang me. That's right, Bey rang Gar. She apologised for her delay in getting to talk to me. I understood. She wanted to make sure I was okay with her playing Croke Park. "Don't be silly, of course, I am", I told her. To be honest, I was putting on a brave face. I'm devastated, to be honest. Ireland needs me, not her. She's nothing special. There's a street in Oklahoma named after me! I had a chicken pie for dinner, it was nice but would've been nicer had I announced a gig (or three) in Croke Park. Today has just been a rollercoaster of emotion. I tried to cheer myself up by brushing my teeth a few times, did you know I have over 80 toothbrushes? Before bed, Trisha and I watched Cheaper By The Dozen 2, it always cheers me up. Taylor Lautner was the cutest child! I said a quick prayer to our Lord above to thank him for all the opportunities and success I've been awarded, but also asked him to pull a few strings for Croke Park later this year, #BringBackGarth. Gonna sign off now, hope you've enjoyed my diary entry as much as I've enjoyed writing it. Please contact your local candidates running for election and ask them to swing a Croke Park date for me this year! All the best, Garth x