The Apprentice is back!
It’s one of the few shows left on our television screens where people very quickly drop the facade and turn into competitive and bitchy arseholes in an attempt to win the (12 month) approval and employment of a 69-year-old billionaire.
I can’t get enough of the show. Each series is better than the last and, like most people, I spend a large portion my viewing time fantasising about how heroic I would act in those particular situations. In reality I’d be a total wimp and probably leave of my own volition because the early morning calls would become too much.
Here’s 21 things you’re guaranteed to hear on The Apprentice tonight.
1. It’s a bit of a cliché, but I’m genuinely not here to make friends. I have enough powerful and successful mates to last me a lifetime.
2. Lord Sugar, I can make millions for you. For both of us. Please, take a chance on me. I am in love with you.
3. I’d like to put myself forward for project manager because, as we can clearly see, I am ten times better than the rest of you amateurs.
4. I think we should call ourselves Team Win because we are a team and we are going to win.
5. With all due respect Karen, if you wouldn’t grass us up to Lord Sugar, that’d be great.
6. I have a very successful archaeology firm, so I should definitely be leading this beauty product task.
7. The original price was £50, but I managed to wear him down to £47. That’s a saving of £3 and I’m proud of myself.
8. Let’s ring the other half of the team and see how they got on picking out their favourite colour markers.
9. I am verbally disagreeing with this logical decision so that I can send you down the river when we get to the board room later.
10. It says on your CV that you’ve a Masters in Management, pity you haven’t a Masters in cop on, Simon. You’re fired.
11. For a bodybuilder, Karl, you’re really not pulling your weight around here today.
12. My father was a sailor, so I’ve taken a leaf out of his book and will KNOT be taking any of your bullshit, Sharon.
13. This task is easy. It’s all about sales. So let’s get out there and sell everything we have, then blame each other in the board room later for failing to take other factors into account.
14. We should sell our pre packed lunches at 5pm, that makes the most sense here guys, trust me, I am an accountant.
15. I want to win this task. If I’m not sipping Prosecco in a dressing gown by 8pm, I will have all of you blacklisted. You’ll never work again.
16. Lord Sugar will see you now *mutters under breath* and ye’re in so much trouble omg.
17. We’re really pushed for time here guys, if everyone could just all pull together, except you Sarah, you can just head off early pet.
18. Can you please just let me finish? Thank you. Oh, sorry, that’s actually all I had to say.
19. The task failed because there was no planning. Also Brian took about seven years to make a sale, and he gave her an 80% discount because he fancied her friend.
20. I think I should stay because Jean here beside me is thick as a meringue mixture and I am the future.
21. This won’t be the last you hear of me. I’m going places. This is just the start.
Unedited images via BBC
