Warning: Contains controversial decisions
*Nelly Furtado voice* Flames to dust, lovers to friends, why do all good Love Islands come to an end?
We’re nearing the end of Love Island 2018 and it has been one hell of a ride. We’ve seen how pink an adult man can become over the course of eight weeks, we’ve heard the world ‘loyal’ upwards of 7,000 times and we’ve even seen a grown man sniffing another grown man’s bracelet simply because he told him to.
So now, the only fitting conclusion to this series has come along. These islanders, to achieve true enlightenment, must be ranked from worst to best until we can find one eventual winner.
The criteria is simple: We are looking for the person who contributed the best televisual entertainment moments throughout the series.
All decisions are final. Also, please, I beg you, do not @ me.
38. Ellie Jones
Ellie was a nice girl, but in terms of entertainment value, she really dropped the ball and did this godforsaken country a disservice. The whole point of her being sent into Casa Amor was to stir things up between Jack and Dani. Not that anyone wanted our precious parents to split up, but we’re also blood-thirsty entertainment consumers who want our money’s worth. If you’re being sent onto Love Island to shake things up, goddamnit Ellie, we’d like you to shake things up. Telling Dani that Jack has a Danny Dyer poster hanging above his bed was a decent effort, but would it have killed you to tell us you once caught him getting handsy with himself while watching The Football Factory? You squandered the opportunity by being a good person, Ellie
37. Charlie Williams
When I was compiling the list of Love Island contestants from the fiscal year 2018, I had to Google ‘Love Island Charlie’ no fewer than three times with the added words ‘new Charlie’ and then ‘female Charlie’ because that’s unfortunately how forgettable both Charlie’s name and face were. She gave us hope at a time when we desperately needed it, as it seemed as though the producers had successfully located a legitimate female that might be interested in Alex. However, her hesitance was too much for Alex’s impatience and she ended up being pied in favour of Grace, a girl who didn’t confusingly share a name with two other people in the villa, to her credit.
36. Stephanie
Stephanie fell victim to unfortunate circumstances and tried to make the most of her time in the villa, but she also spent a large portion of that time crying, which offers little to no entertainment value. Had she been in the villa from the start, it could’ve been an entirely different story. Stephanie was under pressure to find love and when things didn’t work with new Jack, she gave new Josh the old college try. Sadly, it wasn’t meant to be. But not to worry, she got a few days on holiday and a couple of new Instagram followers out of the whole experience. Frankly, I can thing of worse ways to spend your time.
35. Zara
Do me a favour and try to imagine Zara’s voice. You cannot, because it doesn’t exist. I’m not entirely sure she spoke during her stay at the villa. She mostly sat around and smouldered, creating an inviting sense of aloofness that Adam couldn’t bare to walk away from, except when he went to Casa Amor and instantly forgot about her. Zara might have the same voice as Danny DeVito for all we know, which is entirely fine, I’d just feel more comfortable knowing that now rather than somewhere down the line. Sadly, Zara didn’t contribute a huge amount of entertainment to the show, but congratulations for momentarily taming Adam I guess?
34. Jordan
He was a sharp dresser and that’s truly all I can remember about our Jordan’s time in the Love Island villa. He rightfully tried to graft Georgia while she remained LOYAL to Josh during his stay in Casa Amor, but had she given Jordan a chance, maybe they’d still be around for the final. Just kidding, she would’ve pied him off eventually. Jordan smiled a lot, but failed to create any meaningful drama or banter in the villa since he was there for such a short time. Will he go down in history as one of the greats? Sadly, no. He will return to his job as an X Factor contestant lookalike, but with a slight holiday glow and renewed sense of self. Congrats, champ.
33. Kieran
On a personal level, it was nice to hear the islanders grappling with the pronunciation of an Irish name. But in terms of literally anything else, Kieran gave us very little. He had a nice pair of shiny sunglasses and caused a few concerns with regards to him potentially stealing the girls’ hearts, but nothing really materialised. He came and went, like a 3 for 2 offer on chocolate bars in the supermarket. It was nice, we all had a good time, but nothing is coming away from the exchange other than a temporarily elevated sugar level followed by immediate regret.
32. Frankie
Yes, I fully understand that he was a nice guy who finally allowed Samira to reach a level of happiness we hadn’t seen previously, but hear me out, he didn’t really do much. One time he wore a comical pair of love heart sunglasses, also he availed of the free haircuts that Grace was giving out, but that’s about it. He fancied Megan first, then found love with Samira. But did he bring any excitement into the villa? Can he do an impression of Danny DeVito? No, because that was Zara’s voice, which we learned several paragraphs ago. Who are you, Frankie? What can you offer? We, sadly, shall never know.
31. Kazimir
She’s a nice girl and she has made Josh very happy, but what has Kaz added to the Love Island villa? Is she funny? Is she a good friend? Or does she simply just exist? The answer is that Kaz just goes about her business, offering very little in terms of entertainment value. This list must have integrity, otherwise this is a pointless exercise. Sure, you can be a nice person, but have you contributed to making this series of Love Island as good as last year’s? Frankly, I don’t believe that Kaz has added a huge amount. I will not apologise for my feelings.
30. Paul
Paul, I am begging you. It’s the final couple of days. Please, give us something. Anything. You cannot get by on good looks alone. We know that you have kissed Britney Spears and while that is a remarkable achievement, it didn’t technically happen inside the confines of the Love Island villa. Paul has fallen down because he is generally just a quiet guy. He’s very chilled out and is busy pretending to fancy Laura to get through to the final. Is he going to create any drama now that Alexandra has returned to Alex’s disinterested arms? No. He’s just going to coast along because Laura has fallen for his charm. PLEASE JUST DO SOMETHING INTERESTING, PAUL.
29. Savanna
I firmly believe that if Savanna was in the Love Island villa from the outset, she would’ve turned our fragile little worlds upside down this summer. She was a good time from start to finish and as basic as it sounds, we definitely didn’t get to see the best of Savanna. She was flustered, running around Casa Amor trying to get Wes to fancy her then very quickly learning that his heart remained with Megan’s, whose own heart was rubbing up against new Alex’s at the time. Unlucky, Savanna, you never got to thrive. But don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you got to be on telly for a while.
28. Dean
Dean’s only action of note was when he played hardball with Megan and took charge by kissing her after tenderly asking for a little smacker. That’s all anyone remembers of Dean, followed by Megan’s instant revelation that she absolutely didn’t fancy the guy. He was up against some stiff competition and played a respectful game. He didn’t lunge in an act of desperation, he merely stated his feelings, chanced it and then returned to the United Kingdom with his head held high. He provided a solid amount of excitement for the twelve minutes Megan spent deliberating about whether she fancied him or not. Good effort, Deano.
27. Darylle
Although it wasn’t hugely down to her own actions, Darylle was a catalyst for some Love Island excitement. Adam had just confessed his undying love for Zara, but remained firmly within the confines of the villa once she was voted to go home. Then Casa Amor beckoned and all his promises went clean out the window as he set his sights on Darylle. She played the role perfectly and facilitated the villain’s indiscretions. It could’ve been any girl, but instead, it was Darylle. She exposed Adam as being the eternal slime ball that he tried so hard to conceal, and she did it with dignity. When he casually tossed her aside, she prematurely got sent packing.
26. Charlie Brake
He’s worth £400m! That’s all we really learned about Charlie during his time on Love Island. He was a quiet guy who didn’t get a huge amount of airtime as a result. His and Ellie’s relationship seemed to slip under the radar, only coming to prominence when his family’s wealth became a talking point. He played a simple game, didn’t mess around with anyone and got a decent tan in the process. He was a nice guy but didn’t contribute a huge amount to the excitement in the villa. Charlie was basically Ellie’s minder when she flew off the handle. It’s a thankless role but a necessary one. See you on a gossip website soon, Charlie.
25. Alexandra
Annoyingly, Alexandra’s entire personality in the villa revolves around fancying Alex. Given that he is a soulless robot of a man, it has grown a bit tiresome. Her saucy insistence that Paul should kiss her was a glimpse into the potential that Alexandra could’ve achieved in the villa, but instead, she retreated back to the pink robotic Doctor. She’s a lovely girl and seems to be a very genuine friend to the girls, but if she spent half a day correcting Alex on his indiscretions as a human being, she’d be getting a far higher placement in this godforsaken list. The most frustrating part is that you can sense that there’s a fiery side to Alexandra, but she’s quenched it and settled for The Pink Panther.
24. Josh Mair
He was dealt a difficult hand of cards at the beginning, tasked with trying to woo the incredibly loyal Georgia more than Sam or Paul, and all credit to Josh, he put in a very decent shift. He flirted beyond belief and grafted a heavy load. Georgia was on the cusp of going down the Josh 2.0 path, but her overwhelming loyalty kicked in at the last second. Josh threatened to expose her feigning loyalty and for that reason, we are forever indebted to his service. Had he arrived into the villa sooner than he did, Josh could’ve caused some real trouble for the other couples. Farewell Josh, we barely knew ye.
23. Alex Miller
Round of applause please for Alex Miller. He was in that villa for a short-lived stint but he created maximum impact that the time allowed. Megan was by all accounts up for tender and Alex was going to secure that parking space by hell or high water (I do not understand this reference either, this is a long list and I have lost my mind several points ago). But anyway, Alex got the girl, unfortunately for him, she returned back to good old reliable Wesley, but at least he tried. Spare a thought for Deano who had similar ambition and only got as far as a very weak kiss. Thank you Alex. A* for effort.
22. Laura Crane
Not a bad effort from Craney considering she’s been in the villa for a very short space of time. She burst onto the island and stole old Laura’s man, then absolutely rinsed her during the lie detector test, then cried about Jack to the girl that she had stolen him from. Such a blatant lack of self awareness has to be admired, then applauded in terms of entertainment value. Nothing about her presence in the villa has been quiet. She is a home wrecker, but then a dependent friend unto the woman whose home she has wrecked. It’s a stunning game plan and one that’s sure to go down in Love Island history.
21. Josh Denzel
For such a key part of Love Island 2018, I’m taking the controversial stance in calling out Josh Denzel for not giving us more. Sure, he gave a bit of a thrill when he pied off Georgia for Kaz, but since then, he has simply been too happy and drama-free. Even the lie detector test couldn’t rock their unshakeable bond. His friendship with the guys, particularly Wes, is very solid and it seems like nothing can take him down. Ergo, he’s not hugely enhancing the Love Island experience this year. Turmoil is far more entertaining than happiness, everyone knows that. Please just get a paper cut or something before the series ends, Josh. Give me something to work with.
20. Sam
The Birdman has flown the nest, but did he do enough while he was there? In a word, no. He fancied Samira for a while, then Ellie, then Georgia, then went home. He was a bit too much of a yes man and never added anything of value to the discourse, despite his eyebrows’ demands to be noticed and turned into some exceptional memes. Sam was a very nice guy who fell victim to being Georgia’s minder towards the end, in the same way Charlie was for Ellie. Did he set the villa alight with his personality? No. He was a slow burner and for the first two weeks I remain convinced that he was a plant who made decisions based on the producers’ orders.
19. Kendall
She spent six days in the Love Island villa, but what a stellar six days they were. Kendall initially clicked with Niall over Harry Potter references and general excitement at being alive, but then jumped ship because adonis Adam payed her a modicum of attention. The drama was chaos, usually we have to wait a couple of weeks for that kind of heartache to kick in, but Kendall abandoned all loyalties to Niall and shacked up with Adam. Ultimately, she got shafted and was sent home early, but she hit the ground running and provided us with an explosive start to Love Island 2018. Unfortunately, things calmed down after that and we descended into The Brady Bunch, but still. Good effort, Kendall.
18. Charlie Frederick
In a very short space of time, Charlie had a sizeable impact on the Love Island community, mostly because of the eyebrow memes. He was dealt a rough hand with Hayley whose unpopularity meant that his time was cut short in the villa. But he was fun, he stood up to her nonsense and kept his emotions in check (we think, because there were no visible eyebrows to give emotional cues). For some reason, they didn’t bring any of the previously dumped islanders back into the villa this series, but if they did, I would’ve voted for Charlie so that he could find love. His and Hayley’s exit interview will forever go down in Love Island history as being a wonderfully savage piece of content.
17. Samira
Truthfully, I didn’t expect to put Samira this high on the list. It wasn’t planned, but when I sat down and figured out which islanders had added to the overall Love Island experience, she wasn’t a huge player in the game. This is likely due to her falling victim to harsh editing where her relationship with Frankie didn’t get a substantial amount of airtime, but also the fact that she didn’t produce any real drama. She was a good friend to the girls when they were in crisis, she hyped Alex up when it seemed as though all hope was lost and ultimately, she found a happy ending. Does that make good television? No, it’s too pleasant and we crave all crave misery to make our lives seem slightly less awful.
16. Grace
This generous placement in the list came about from one comment and one comment only. During her exit interview, alongside Frankie, Grace was asked what she would take away from the Love Island experience and Grace responded deadpan as a dead pan, “Well I’ve got my water bottle…” and with that, the nation realised that it had made a huge mistake. Grace never got to live up to her full Love Islander potential. She was very clearly a massive legend who craved banter, but her personality was suppressed by a very rowdy bunch of lunatics and a turbo pink man. We, as a society, failed Grace. We don’t deserve anything good. This is how Brexit happened.
15. Rosie
She divided opinion, but in terms of bang for your buck, Rosie was a very solid Love Island contestant. She stole a very easily stolen Adam’s attention from Kendall and then tried her best to tame the untameable beast. When it emerged that he was trying to bang literally everything else on the island, Rosie went nuclear and in every single memorial montage from Love Island 2018, we’re going to see Rosie’s notorious power bitch walk combined with that subtle head tilt to communicate to Adam that she wanted to rip his fucking face off calmly discuss their grievances. Although her time in the villa was short-lived, she gave us some glorious moments of television.
14. Hayley
Spot prize for Hayley as she wins the title of The Most Easily Confused Love Island Contestant Of 2018 after spending a staggering 13 days in that villa befuddled beyond belief. Even a name as simple as Eyal baffled Hayley, resulting in him being referred to as ‘Eagle’ every time she spoke about him. Hayley was a solid islander, refusing to settle for the insufficient men that the villa delivered unto her. She figured out pretty early on that Eyal made her skin crawl, but persevered regardless because she simply wasn’t ready to go home. The arrival of Charlie could’ve seen her through to the end, but Hayley wasn’t playing ball. Also, her bizarre queries about Brexit remain a very solid highlight of the series.
13. Ellie
Let me be very clear: Ellie is being awarded this generous placement solely because she was the only person to use the C-word on this year’s Love Island. Well, the only one that was broadcast. Her argument with Georgia was an exceptional display of standard holiday frustrations amounting and inevitably bubbling over due to everyone being Far Too Warm To Be Polite Anymore. She was a fiery islander who had no qualms in sharing her thoughts on the various injustices that took place. She spotted Georgia’s lack of loyalty very early on and wasn’t one to shy away from pointing it out. Thank you, Ellie, for getting the C-word back on our television screens, where it belongs.
12. Niall
Sadly Niall left the villa after nine days, but we have to commend his contribution made during that time. He would’ve become a national treasure had he remained in the villa until the end. Niall was an excitable guy who loved Harry Potter more than anything else in this godforsaken world. It’s an absolute certainty that Niall would’ve kept things lively on the island and we would’ve had a far less boring series had he remained thanks to his desire and unquenchable thirst for banter. His first question on a date with Georgia was whether she liked chicken nuggets or not. A purer and more wholesome man simply does not exist. Case closed.
11. Jack Fowler
Man like Jack! Man like new Jack! Man like new Jack was a late entry into the villa but he has given us hours upon hours of golden entertainment. From his unexpected voice and accent to his quest to find The Fittest Bird, Jack has been an incredible contestant. He broke up with old Laura, then changed his mind to avoid being sent home, then ditched her as soon as someone else grabbed his attention. Whisperings from Wes and Josh led him down a dark path but he redeemed himself with the very simple act of being a good father to a pretend baby. You cannot dislike Jack, he is a cheeky rascal who continually does bad things but for some reason, you cannot stay mad. You just call him a scamp, then order him to get out of your sight for a while.
10. Idris
If I told you that this man was in the Love Island villa for three days, you would not believe me. But that is the honest truth. Idris spent just 3 days on that island and left a very impressive impact in that time. He was determined to find love, throwing basic respect out the window and putting on what is referred to in the love industry as A Very Hard Graft. Idris was truly down for whatever and would’ve coupled up with one of the guys if the show allowed it. He wanted to cruise through to the end and nab the full £50,000 for himself because that is what all good villains do. Mad respect to this lunatic. He truly went for it.
9. Dani
I hear your gasps and what’s more, I agree with them. But allow me to rationalise this controversial decision. Dani Dyer is indisputably a very nice girl. She’s been a decent friend to the other girls, called them out on their bullshit when necessary and avoided playing any games while she’s been in the villa. But therein lies the problem. Is she the best person on the island? Definitely top ten, but has she single-handedly given us an incredible series of Love Island? Not really, no. Her shouty diary room voice has added countless smiles to the nation’s faces, as has her remarkably adorable relationship with Jack, but other islanders have given us more. I stand by this decision. I don’t like it either, but I stand by it. She will remain at number nine.
8. Eyal
Where, I ask you, did they find this bizarre little creature? From start to finish, Eyal was a wild ride. He talked in riddles and somehow everyone just let him away with it and accepted him for the precious little soul that he was. This strong placement in the list is purely down to how easily he was distracted by Adam and Charlie while Alex slipped away to chat to Megan. He sniffed Adam’s bracelet, in the ultimate act of blind trust, unbeknownst to the fact that he was being made fun of. He was a trusting and gentle guy whose mystique will carry on in our hearts forever. What a champion. He wasn’t even vegan, he merely exuded the very essence of a vegan. Whatever tree house he’s living in right now is surely a happy one. Godspeed, Eagle.
7. Megan
I have a theory and I need to get it out into the public domain. If Megan had come into the villa on the first day and immediately coupled up with Wes, she’d be a far more likeable character. Her path to love was a bit rocky and she absolutely messed things up on more than one occasion, but she got there in the end. She was vilified entirely due to her own actions and how she handled things, but if you look at her personality in an objective manner, she’s a bit of banter. Joining Rosie in a sexy revenge photoshoot after exposing Adam to be a pig was an inspired move. Also, she stirred up a tremendous amount of drama for one person and for that, we must thank her.
6. Alex George
Never before have we seen a more divisive character than the pinkest man alive, Alex George. He started out as an adorably clumsy character who seemed destined to be unlucky in love, scampering at every potential opportunity like a fish gasping for air, then realising it doesn’t actually need air to breathe because it is a fish. Alex lost some credibility with Ellie when he was a bit of a pig towards her, then settled with Alexandra despite blatantly not liking the girl. Regardless of your opinion of Alex, he has delivered a stellar performance from start to finish. He’s been giving us solid gold all the way to the bitter end and this series would’ve been sorely lacking a clumsy pink lunatic without him. He did it in style. Nay, he did it in doggy fashion.
5. Wes
Founding member, chairman and president of the Do Bits Society, thank you for your contribution to this year’s Love Island. Although he broke old Laura’s heart and then rubbed it into her precious face immediately afterwards, Wes somehow managed to redeem himself by being a loyal suitor to Megan. Casa Amor wasn’t enough to tempt him and he returned alone but proud, eventually getting to reunite with his love. Wes has been hysterical from start to finish, providing renditions of Corrie, stellar dance moves, Vine references and generally keeping the villa in good spirits. At times, this series has been more boring than a stint in a doctor’s waiting room, but Wes managed to claw it back into the entertainment zone on many occasions.
4. Georgia
LOYAL. SHE IS VERY LOYAL. Sorry, the keyboard was momentarily hacked there, seems to have come from an outside source. Anyway, Georgia’s Love Island performance was up and down. She showed great strength in dealing with the heartbreak Josh inflicted upon her when he coupled up with Kaz and had every soul in the country on her side. Then, for lack of a better phrase, she fucked it. Georgia milked it too much, became petty and let herself down a bit. But as a reality television character, she was remarkable. She voluntarily opened herself up to be dared into mischief by her fellow islanders. She pushed another contestant so far, she ended up getting called the C-word. She was a hot mess and that’s exactly what we tuned in for.
3. Adam
Look, I’m not overly keep on the chap, but every reality television show needs a villain and we certainly got one in Adam. We got one in spades. I’m fully confident that Adam sees no error in his performance to this very day, he truly believed that he was in that villa to work his way through all the girls until something felt a smidge deeper than lust. His clueless attitude towards his indiscretions added fuel to the fire, particularly when Rosie rightfully gave him a bodying over acting like a sleaze and he sat there sociopathically smiling back at her. Hollywood couldn’t script a more perfect villain if they tried. Adam Collard was a sight to behold in that villa. We, as viewers, bonded over our disdain for the man. We’re all different people since Adam came into our lives.
2. Laura Anderson
Laura, truly, thank you for your time. You were an exceptional Love Island contestant. Your heartbreak was painful to watch, we were with you during the highs and even more so during the lows. It shows great strength of character to see a woman set aside her differences with the person that stole the object of her affections once, but to see it happening twice is inspirational. Laura was there for Megan when she wasn’t sure if she liked Wes or Alex more, she comforted Georgia through heartbreak despite the girl going behind her back and kissing Jack, then she wiped new Laura’s tears when the lie detector test with Jack didn’t go according to plan. Nobody deserves a happy ending more than Laura Anderson. She’s been an intimidatingly strong character and if Paul hurts her, please understand this as a very genuine threat, Paul, I will find your house and put a variety of junk mail through the letter box every day until the end of time. Anyway, thank you, Laura. Now go and get *chokes back tears* go and get your happy ending, girl.
1. Jack Fincham
JACK! JACK! JACK! JACK! Find me a better 2018 Love Island contestant and I will find you a grip which you need to get because you are lying. Jack has given us relentless entertainment this series and deserves the highest accolade at the very minimum from us all. From the outset, Jack was funny and likeable. He very quickly found a great match in Dani and despite a few hiccups along the way, it is a guaranteed fact that they are set for life together. Even the cruel twist of his ex-girlfriend being added into the mix wasn’t enough to shake Jack. His impressions are second to none, his personality is infectious and his overall manner is so delightful that we even forgot how alarming and comically white his teeth are. That is how likeable Jack Fincham is. We all stopped making fun of his teeth because he won us over with his personality. He and Dani deserve the world, so go out there and get it, champ.
