Right lads… it’s time to talk about it.
We’re not talking about the usual stuff, like cramps and bloating we’re going dark (red) on this and lifting the lid on the very real struggles we all face on a monthly basis. Let it be known, we’ve compiled this list in order to free ourselves from the shackles of period shame and to SHOUT from the rooftops that sometimes we attract wildlife to our crotches and that’s ok.
Buying – When purchasing tampons or any sanitary items, there are a few things that women do before reaching the cash desk. We scope out the queue length… if it’s too long it’s not worth it and your mind automatically scans your bedroom to try and remember a secret stash. Next thing is you size up the person working behind the till, if they don’t have an awkward sheepish look on their face, you’re good to go. You make eye-contact, you let them know you have more pressing matters at hand and chit-chat will not be tolerated.
Office – Some go with the old faithful: the sanitary item up the sleeve, some prefer the boot trick. The really clever few will have a designated ‘period purse’, one thing we can all agree on, is no matter how much we wish we could, we don’t go parading through the office with a huge box of super plus tampons. We just don’t… the office struggle is real.
Leakage – It happens, and it sucks… white jeans are a brazen choice for some of us (short people) as it is, but you can be assured that when that glorious week rolls around, we’re all digging out the industrial strength period pants and DARK jeans. Keep it tight.
Horny – Ehhhhhhh some of us weren’t aware of this, but evidently people are HELLA horny on their period, which is a cruel irony, are we not suffering enough?
Bowels – Just in case there wasn’t enough weird sh*t (not subtle with puns around here) going on down there, add in the fact that your bowels go absolutely nuts ( it happens ladies… we said we were going deep). Is there any wonder why we want to wrap ourselves in a duvet with a bottle of wine and a gallon of chocolate? CAN YOU BLAME US?
Smelling like copper – That’ll be the iron, it’s perfectly normal and healthy for the period goodness to smell a little metallic. Don’t be alarmed, it’s natural, although it does feed into our next struggle.
Attracting wildlife – “Awwww wow that dog really likes you”… Yes, the dog really likes my crotch because he can smell the blood. I don’t turn into Snow White once a month, the woodland creatures are following me for one reason, and it’s not to sing a song. I personally don’t go NEAR the ocean, can’t be dealing with sharks thank you very much.
Boob swipes – If you wonder why we’re randomly crying it’s not because we feel emotional, or sensitive, it’s because someone has accidentally knocked off our boobs and it HURTS.
Sneezing – I don’t think we need to go into too much detail on this one, but yeah… it’s not pretty.
Waxing – This could be more painful than the boob swipes. essentially it’s very important that when we’re on our period no one attempts to remove any hair from any follicles. Just don’t touch me… ok?
And breathe… so there you have it, some pretty gruesome but home truths. Now, where’s that bottle of wine?
