Heterosexual Pride Day 2016 - Official event guide
Finally, a day for society's most under-represented folk!
Today, 29th June 2016, marks a very important date in the heterosexual calendar - it's Heterosexual Pride Day. You could almost hear the excitement buzzing among heterosexual commuters on the way to their heterosexual jobs during their heterosexual bus journeys this morning.
There's a lot lined up for the straight agenda today, so feel free to peruse the event calendar below.
Wednesday, 29th June, 2016.
07:00 - 07:30 Snooze heterosexual alarm so you can return to your heterosexual slumber.
07:30 - 08:00 Heterosexual breakfast, possibly porridge or cereal.
08:00 - 08:05 Fearlessly kiss heterosexual partner goodbye in public.
08:05 - 09:00 Heterosexually commute to work in your heterosexual car, probably a Yaris or Micra.
09:00 - 11:00 Work at heterosexual workplace and attend heterosexual meetings, frequently dropping your partner's name into conversation.
11:00 - 11:15 Heterosexual tea break, have a raisin scone, definitely not a croissant after what happened in the sports at the weekend. Ugh.
11:15 - 13:00 Continue working. Tag your heterosexual partner in a stupid meme and get frustrated when they don't reply with 'Ha, LOL'.
13:00 - 14:00 Finally, heterosexual lunchtime! Get yourself a sandwich from the nearby heterosexual deli and joke with your colleagues about your other half proposing soon and picking a church for your wedding.
14:00 - 17:00 Finish the day's work, interspersed with heterosexual tendencies such as sipping water, posting motivational Instagrams and planning your upcoming heterosexual holiday to Tenerife.
17:00 - 18:00 Head into town for the annual Heterosexual Pride Day parade, which involves simply walking around comfortably holding hands with your partner. Maybe donate blood if the mood strikes you.
18:00 - 19:00 Get home, make some heterosexual dinner, probably pasta, then take a heterosexual shower and be sure to exfoliate then moisturise your heterosexual body.
19:00 - 22:00 Relax in your heterosexual home, maybe watch a few soaps and make yourself a cup of heterosexual tea.
22:00 - 23:00 Start winding down before your heterosexual bedtime. Chat with your other half about plans for the future and the lack of hindrances you're presented with.
23:00 Go to sleep peacefully with your heterosexual partner, safe in the knowledge that society will never question your basic human rights.