The first (and worst) recorded gift-givers were the three wise men.
Thankfully, they set the bar extremely low by giving a newborn baby a precious metal, perfume and oil.
I feel strongly that the three wise men could’ve done a lot better with their presents, so I’ve put together a handy gift guide for them.
Shellac Voucher
Newborn baby Jesus’ nails wouldn’t be long getting filthy in the Nazareth desert-like conditions. Why not nip things in the bud by giving him a voucher to get his nails tended to immediately? Don’t be tight, get Mary one as well. Nailed it.
Clarisonic
An important lesson Jesus will learn during his first days on earth is to love the skin you’re in. What better way to do that than by having a deeply exfoliated face at his nearest convenience. Those twelve apostles aren’t going to follow a man with mediocre skin!
Trip To Trabolgan
Mary and Joseph can get in on this one too! Why not spoil the gang with a trip to Ireland’s favourite magical surroundings, with excellent facilities and an impressive range of indoor and outdoor activities. If they’re lucky, they might even get to see Fungi!
Yankee Candle
For a child that was born in a stable, Jesus will be extremely grateful to receive anything to quench the smell of livestock. Yankee Candles have a fantastic range of scents available to suit any Son of God. I recommend Christmas Eve or A Child’s Wish 😉
Ham
Being the Lord and Saviour is hungry work, what better way to sustain his busy lifestyle than with a nutritious ham? Pre-cooked would be preferable so Jesus simply needs to pop a slice into the microwave if and when he fancies a nibble.
Hoverboard
Blowing the minds of the people of Nazareth will become a firm favourite of Jesus’, so this gift is perfect. Walking on water is impressive, but the illusion of gliding on solid ground is sure to give the locals something to talk about. Not to mention the sight of his robe fluttering in the wind behind him 😉
One4all Voucher
These vouchers are quite simply the perfect gift. They can be used in more than 22,000 outlets nationwide! Jesus could furnish a house, feed his entire family and send a child to college with one of these vouchers, so don’t be skimping on the cash.
