Who hurt you?
You are scum. You are literally scum.
Did you laugh when Mufasa died? Had you a smirk on your face when Jack sank to his icy grave? Was the ending of Marley & Me much to your satisfaction?
I have a serious problem with you, fruit giver. Do you purposely want to deny children the ability to score themselves a filling during the Halloween season? Or is it that you’re simply conscious that Ireland is set to become the most obese country in Europe by 2030? Get over yourself.
Halloween is the one night of the year where it’s perfectly legal to beg at your neighbours’ doors for a few sweets. But your fine self, scum of the Earth, comes along and decides that their bags should be laden with the weight of fruit and your deprivation of happiness.
Fruit is extremely perishable. Even if the little tykes are fond of a bite of fruit, it’s unlikely that your produce will make it past the end of the driveway without being bruised to within an inch of its life. RIPeach.
I also take offence with the fact that fruit is possibly of the heaviest items you can subject children to carrying. They’ve already got kilograms upon kilograms of shite to lug around for the evening, and your smug self has decided to add to that. I hope they have the good sense to deposit the fruits of your arseholic behaviour upon your big smug porch.
I would love nothing more than for you to go into debt as a result of your selfishly health-conscious decisions. Fruit is expensive, especially if you’re going down the organic route. It would be more economically viable of you to purchase a few multipacks of sweets and maybe get your head out of your backside as well while you’re at it. Children just want to gorge themselves on shite, and it’s disgusting of you to deny them of it.
Inevitably, your house is going to get egged this Halloween. I wish I could offer my sympathies, but I morally cannot. You fully deserve to have to hand wash the remnants of eggshells off your front door on November 1st.
What I need you to do is sit down and have a long and hard think about what kind of karma you’re inviting upon yourself. It’s 2016, everyone is a decaying sack of garbage as it is. Why stand in the way between a child and their right to fester their teeth that they are going to lose anyway?
Cop on.
Yours sincerely,
Every Trick-or-Treater ever x
