If you don’t spend at least a third of your lifetime in pyjamas, you don’t get into Heaven.
Pyjamas are life. I’m not sure if anywhere in the world takes pyjamas as seriously as we do in Ireland. A completely made up bit of research has shown that Irish people are the highest consumers of pyjamas in Europe, putting us just behind the jammy Jamaicans.
I firmly believe that you can tell a lot about a person based on their choice of jimmy jams. Here’s what your pyjamas say about you.
Matching Set
Sweet divine Lord of mercy will you please just live a little? You entire life is meticulously planned down to the exact minute at which you’re going to have a quick fart on your lunch break. Spontaneity isn’t something that runs in your veins, as you can be quite controlling and always need to have the last word.
You sleep for exactly 8 hours every night and act like a right old bitch when you get anything shy of that. Christmas Eve is when you truly come into your own, as Mammy buys you a brand new pair of festive jammies that you can’t wait to dive into before the big man himself arrives. Get a grip!
Mix ‘n’ Match
A bit of a loose cannon, friends find it hard to contact you and nail you down to any kind of plans. You enjoy a good night out and your room is an absolute pigsty because of it. You’ve been known to disappear for days on end, only to resurface with a new boyfriend and inherited kitten named Oscar.
You can survive on anything from 2-6 hours of sleep and you have never ironed anything in your life. Your nighttime attire ranges from band t-shirts, promotional polo necks and former lovers’ favourite shirts. You wear the same bra for at least two weeks on the trot and have one singular dreadlock from when you volunteered in Africa during transition year.
Onesie
Every argument you have with your parents ends in one of them telling you to grow up. You’re quite immature and will likely never flee the home nest of your own volition. Listen, there’s telly, free food and always someone to annoy, it’s the dream! Privacy is overrated anyway.
You can be quite needy when it comes to friends and relationships. Everything has to be done your way and you demand to be treated like a princess at all times. Allegations that you are spoiled rotten leave you with more fumes than your 2015 convertible Mini Cooper with a 2.6l engine.
Layers
Having been born ‘down the country’, no matter how long you’ve been living in the city, your DNA will never allow you to get past being eternally freezing. Even in the depths of summer when Ireland reaches a tropical 21 degrees, you’ll still have the heater on at night, justifying that “it’s awful cold when the sun goes in”.
You begin each pyjama application ceremony with a few light layers – a knickers, fluffy socks, tank top, shorts, then you’ll get the real heavy duty stuff on – long sleeved top, full length pants, hoodie and possibly even a wooly hat. Top it all off with a dressing gown, hot water bottle and a giant cup of tea and that’s you set up nicely to battle the indoor elements.
Lingerie
Goodness, thank you for reading this, your majesty. You enjoy the grander things in life and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. Saucy weekends away in Sardinia are the norm, along with flutes upon flutes of champagne. You’re SUCH a Samantha. It’s not that you don’t feel the cold, but pain is beauty.
You look after yourself and expect the exact same in return. You’ve taken more loves than any opponent of Roger Federer and pride yourself on being able to express your femininity in such an elegant manner. You enjoy the single life as it allows you to have fun and your choice of nightwear certainly reflects that.
None
Watch out folks, we’ve got a lunatic on our hands. Truth be told, you find wearing clothes during the day to be a bit of a burden. You’ve watched several naturist documentaries and are strongly considering it as a viable way of life in your years of retirement. They just seem so happy!
Particularly after a night out, you’ll get home and before you’ve reached the top of the stairs, you’re in the nip and half asleep. The sweet release of a bare bum on clean sheets can be compared to nowt, as you often inform the naysayers. Your worst nightmare is when a friend sleeps over and you have to cover up like some kind of prude.
