Facebook, am I right?
Choosing the perfect 168 x 168 image is more difficult than deciding which of your family to sacrifice to the scary clowns when they inevitably knock on your door this Halloween season.
Similar to piercings, fantasy boyfriends, drunken takeaways and handwriting, you can tell a lot about a person based on the irrelevant image they use to portray their personality on social media.
Here’s what your Facebook profile picture says about you.
An Unfiltered Selfie
This stunning snap was taken in the bathroom of a hotel because it had incredible lighting and you firmly believe that you are the image of Adriana Lima, if she was Irish. There’s a few bits and bobs in the background that you didn’t care to move around before the photoshoot. Sure what harm if people know that you use Always Maxi Pads, aren’t we all human at the end of the day?
You mainly use Facebook to validate your importance in the world. If a selfie doesn’t get enough likes, you’ll delete it and try again until at least one marriage proposal comes in. On more than one occasion, you’ve put on a full face of makeup to take a few photos, then cleaned it off shortly after. It’s important that we commend your #bravery for not resorting to a filter to accentuate your features. You’re an inspiration to us all.
A Heavily Filtered Selfie
You’d be vain enough, but you’re fully aware of it. You work hard and play hard, with weekends involving a minimum of two gin and tonics, then town. In your heart of hearts, you don’t actually enjoy nightclubs, so you spend a large portion of your time there taking photos with the girls to give the illusion that you are a wild party girl who cannot be tamed. This particular photo was taken in a nightclub toilet cubicle while an angry girl attempted to bang the door down.
On Facebook, you’re very self aware, meticulously planning every post you share on your timeline. One time you shared a borderline political opinion in a status, but someone gently contested it in a reply, so you deleted it immediately and decided from that moment on, to never have an opinion again. Instead you post dumb qizzes and a quick selfie every time there’s a new filter added to Snapchat.
A Group Photo
Yourself and the girls went to Madrid a few years back and got a very kind stranger nearby to take a picture of you all lined up. You all had flowy dresses on, wavy hair, funky bracelets and your arms out like you were demonstrating the Little Teapot’s handle. The whole gang has the same rigid smile that had grown a bit tired after waiting more than 5 seconds for the obliging stranger to take the photo.
In terms of Facebook activity, you keep a very low profile. You see absolutely everything and refresh your timeline roughly 1700 times a day, but never like nor share an iota of information with anyone. God forbid anyone would know your (lack of) business. Not a death nor birth nor marriage passes through your timeline without a quick screengrab and forward into the girls’ Whatsapp group.
Yourself and Himself
This awkwardly angled photo was taken with the aid of a selfie stick and about two thirds of the pole is visible in the photo. Cropping is for nerds anyway! It was taken at the top of the Empire State Building when the pair of you took a romantic trip there last Christmas. You were full sure he was going to propose, so you got shellac done beforehand. To your dismay, the only proposition he made was that you should go for a hot chocolate after.
Facebook is your relationship’s playground, where you meticulously detail every event together. If you’re blissfully happy, it doesn’t count unless you plaster it all over social media, duh! Your cover image is another poorly cropped couple selfie, this time in the exotic location of a night out in Bray. We get it, you have a boyfriend and the pair of you are obsessed with each other. Congrats.
Something Photoshopped
Your very limited knowledge of Photoshop has resulted in what can only be described as a technical disaster, but slightly gas effort. Some topical event in pop culture inspired your creativity and you excitedly patched together what you truly believe to be the funniest thing on the internet. Many will be baffled as to what your profile picture represents, but you stand by your stupidity and are fully prepared to defend it.
Facebook is a load of codswallop and you despise it, deep down. You still keep an eye on it from time to time, but you use it objectively to inspire creativity and downright shade elsewhere on the internet. In your younger years, you prided yourself on getting double digit figures of likes on your witty Facebook statuses, until you realised it was utterly pointless and merely a distraction from your impending mortality.
