

2.Just farted so loud Siri guessed where we went for dinner
— JasonLastname (@JasonLastname) October 1, 2016
"cult classic, not bestseller" I whisper to myself nervously as my tweet gets approximately two faves — bobby shawarma (@hummusandpizza) October 1, 20163.
4.Guy cutting my hair complaining about the last person who cut my hair doesn't realize he was the last person to cut it.
— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) October 1, 2016
My cousin went swimming with dolphins the other day and let's just say it could have gone better. ?? pic.twitter.com/i10P8xCBWs — Dan Higginson (@Higgles17) October 1, 20165.
6.ah yes, the 2 genders: joe.ie and her.ie
— ?rla (@roastbeefdinner) October 2, 2016
When he squats, accordion music comes out of his arse pic.twitter.com/SGgtLXqIpo — John Brennan (@UpturnedBathtub) October 2, 20167.
8.for someone who didn't start a fire, Billy Joel sure is defensive about it
— paperwash© (@PaperWash) October 2, 2016
I am in no position to judge Trump on this. I, too, made poor investment decisions in 1995. pic.twitter.com/9BZcq3f4JG — Jennifer (@WeTheLiving) October 3, 20169.
The seated woman has been getting a bollocking for three straight reports on SSN. Reckon she's done for. No way back from this. pic.twitter.com/L9h8d0zlNf — Nooruddean (@BeardedGenius) October 4, 201610.
11.it's been 18 years but we still don't know why meg ryan's notification read 'you have mail' when the movie is called 'you've got mail' pic.twitter.com/OwsZjxeFNc
— Amelia Tait (@ameliargh) October 5, 2016
pic.twitter.com/nQB9getsG9 — age (@lavgray) October 5, 201612.
13.chipotle employee: white or brown rice
frank underwood: (to camera) the rice is irrelevant. but for now i'll play his game. — chuuch (@ch000ch) October 6, 2016
did Spice Girls write Two Becomes One about when the clocks go back — all round good guy (@blennblyborn) October 7, 201614.
15.How much do Cockneys pay for shampoo? Pantene.
— Bertha Vanation (@NormanKore) October 7, 2016
"Disappointing" An Italian, showing you how he points. — d i v e r s i o n (@Diversion50) October 7, 201616.
17.Worst. Perfume. Name. Ever. pic.twitter.com/9dSIMx3MWf
— Joe Harland (@TheJoeHarland) October 8, 2016
Did you know Sia's last name is Wouldntwannabia? — Dave Shumka (@daveshumka) October 9, 201618.
19.Him: what you got on? Me: nothing Him: show me ;) Me: pic.twitter.com/eeeioswTWg
— Summer Ray (@SummerRay) October 9, 2016
Right it's getting closer tae Halloween and a have no idea how 2 beat last years Chucky.. Ar La pic.twitter.com/GxOde9Un3M — KBMQU (@KaitlinMqu) October 12, 201620.
21.This, on a Mail Online #strictly story about Louise Redknapp, is my new favourite reader comment of all time pic.twitter.com/VuX0KGwX94
— Lauren Turner (@thisislaurent) October 12, 2016
I hope Elon Musk never gets in a scandal, because Elongate would be sure to get really drawn out. — Sebas (@OhLookBirdies) October 12, 201622.
23.I made a helpful flow chart for comedy writers. pic.twitter.com/sMBVq44E4m
— Alison Spittle (@AlisonSpittle) October 14, 2016
omg this is so irresponsible what if a predator reads it. pic.twitter.com/UyYAhd8baJ — ~ (@daniel_barker) October 18, 201624.
25.Good news, the first convoy of thoughts & prayers has arrived in Syria. "This is so useful to me" said one delighted man
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) October 23, 2016
I don't even like sleep, it's just the only way I can eat spiders — nina gann sucks (@ninatreemonkey) October 24, 201626.
27.AMAZING! This guy took a photo of himself every day for two days: pic.twitter.com/GRPcyzWHLo
— Glenn Moore (@TheNewsAtGlenn) October 24, 2016
Gemma Collins talking about her love of the dictionary is an iconic moment of media history pic.twitter.com/hhYCqDpHpK — Steve (@stipkins) October 25, 201628.
29.Young Fine Gail pic.twitter.com/uVjeRVRi5T
— john (@Scarlet4UrMa) October 25, 2016
To the tune of Eleanor Rigby: Dog in a trenchcoat Getting promoted at work but then sheds his disguise Canine surprise — Peter Silk & ghosts (@KestrelPi) October 27, 201630.
New figures show around 75% of office workers who find themselves in the kitchen with an unfamiliar co-worker keep thinking today is Friday.
— Michael Spicer (@MrMichaelSpicer) October 27, 2016