It has recently come to my attention that the Irish driving test is in need of a long overdue revision.
I’ve discovered that the test itself is quite limited, as it glosses over a few key elements that are integral to being a successful and competent driver on Irish roads.
Hence, I have drafted some amendments to the Irish driving test, which I have submitted to the RSA.
Sarcasm
In order to truly drive well on Irish roads, you will need to pass a quick sarcasm test. This involves sarcastically shouting ‘YOU’RE WELCOME’ when a driver fails to thank you for letting them out at a junction, purposely slowing down and moving aside so as to allow a car to overtake without even so much as a quick flash of the hazard lights, or simply hurrying yourself along to free up a parking space to be met with a blank stare rather than a minimal gesture of thanks.
Bag Hoarding
An important part of driving is being prepared. Should you be tasked with making an unexpected trip to the supermarket during your driving test, you’re going to need a few plastic bags to carry the essentials. If your boot isn’t full to the brim with bags within bags, within bags, you will immediately fail your test and be forced to reapply. Bonus points are awarded for buying the examiner a packet of sweets and a copy of The Examiner, which you can both laugh about after the test has ended.
Tunes
Driving test examiners are only human, they want to indulge themselves in Justin Bieber’s latest (and frankly, greatest) body of work just as much as you do. A proposed judgement during the driving test, which I fully sanction, should be the tunes you provide in your vehicle. The examiner will perform a routine check of the lights, mirrors and oil, then proceed to your CD collection. If a rogue Gabrielle compilation album is present in the vehicle, you receive one mark against you. If a SECOND Gabrielle album is detected, you get an immediate fail and cannot reapply for driving test in Ireland for a period of 24-months.
Hygiene
Before the driving test begins, the examiner will quickly scan the interior of your vehicle. Any stray bottles, magazines, items of clothing or children will be removed and sent away to an undisclosed location. Your car must be spotless, otherwise, you will fail the test and suffer the harsh judgemental eyes of the examiner, whose own car is essentially a crime scene investigator’s worst nightmare due to it’s freakish level of tidiness. The use of air fresheners and scented candles, although hazardous, will be looked upon favourably during the exam.
Snacks
Forget reversing around the corner and three-point turns, an essential part of being a driver is looking after your passengers. If you haven’t got a packet of sucky sweets in the glove compartment, you better believe you won’t be passing that test for a long time, sunshine. Drives can be long and at times, stressful. An instant game changer is a sucky sweet, which can transform even the most contrary passengers into joyful beings. At a certain and unexpected point during the official driving test, the examiner will casually look around the car for a sweet. Mind your own business, keep your eyes on the road. Your job is done at this point. Bonus points will now be awarded if a good quality sucky sweet is on offer, such as a Murray Mint or Werther’s Original. Negative marks will occur for any offensive contraband such as fruit.
