One of the celebrities will repeatedly describe themselves as being like Marmite, despite not actually being a spread made from yeast extract.
If the great Love Island debate of 2018 taught us anything, it’s that it’s absolutely fine to sit back and allow people to enjoy things.
The world is garbage enough without berating people for their guilty pleasures. Some people watch Celebrity Big Brother and that’s a perfectly acceptable thing to do. You can restrain yourself from calling them idiots. It’s possible. I believe in you.
Celebrity Big Brother starts back tonight. As with every year, it’s sure to give us a good insight into the celebrity world. They’re a different species to us. They get to do things like go to the cinema for free and not queue for a table in Wagamamas. They’re living in another world entirely.
So what’s going to happen during this year’s series of Celebrity Big Brother?
I have a hunch.
1. One of the celebrities will repeatedly describe themselves as being exactly like Marmite, despite not actually being a spread made from yeast extract.
2. Someone is going to wear a ridiculous and inappropriate costume into the house and spend the entire first evening trying to keep it in place without poking an eye out.
3. An unexpected celebrity friendship will crop up between two of the housemates and it will end as soon as they leave.
4. Emma Willis will use her shouty voice.
5. Someone in the audience will hold up a sign that says ‘Trump Colluded With Russia’ and it will result in the President being instantly impeached.
6. A celebrity will reveal that they are going into the CBB to find love, much to the surprise of their current partner.
7. There will be a vicious stampede towards the bedroom on the first night once the doors are unlocked.
8. Due to space restrictions, a beloved elderly housemate will be forced to share a bed with a notorious love rat.
9. One of the celebrities’ friends on the outside will start feeding stories to the papers about how he/she is actually a Brony.
10. A romance will emerge and they will defy all the critics by staying together until the end of the time. Lol jk.
11. The housemates will take part in a task which involves them feasting on each others’ organs for sustenance.
12. Someone will do their toilet business in the hot tub but neglect to tell the other housemates.
13. Big Brother will have a choking fit midway through an announcement. It will be edited out, but it’ll happen.
14. A singer will slip into an impromptu performance of their hit songs with very little persuasion. Two of their tracks will subsequently re-enter the top 10 charts.
15. The ghost of David Gest will continue to silently haunt the house, whispering about how he was married to Liza Minnelli for a time.
16. One of the Love Island contestants will be rumoured to be entering the house for the entirety of the series, but they never will.
17. A housemate will go off on the American political system and everything will be rectified as per their instructions. Lol jk.
18. Someone will have an unexplained medical emergency, get removed from the house and we will never find out what happened to them.
19. One of the housemates will run around the tiny garden every day in a bid to stay in shape. Eventually, a sinkhole will produce and everyone will disappear.
20. Calum Best will probably turn up at some point.
21. The winner will sob uncontrollably about how grateful they are to the British public for accepting them for who they really are and not buying into what they see in the papers.
