Day 11
Boy oh boy that I’m A Celeb jungle, am I right?
Last night’s show saw Malique and Sair take on the dreaded eating edition of the Bushtucker trial, giving them both the chance to prove that they’re slightly more interesting than we’ve seen up to now. Spoiler: They didn’t.
Dec made a tit of himself in front of a plate of literal cow tits, Harry dropped the joke of the series and Nick Knowles revealed his crippling fear of women’s knickers.
This is it, we are living in the golden age of television. Truly, what a time it is to be alive.
Here’s seven hilarious moments from last night’s show.
1. Anne Hegerty farted on Nick Knowles FOR THE SECOND TIME!
Let he among us who hasn’t farted on the bad boy of DIY cast the first stone. Anne Hegerty will be the last to cast any stones because she has now, to date, farted on Nick Knowles 2 (two) times. Both in very similar circumstances, whereby she rolled over in bed with her back to him and boldly let rip. It’s a wonderful gesture and one that’s slowly removing the stigma attached to flatulence in these modern times. Look, all of our soft and shitty bodies produce gas, it’s perfectly normal. If anything, we should be embracing our expulsions. Take a leaf out of the Governess’ book and fart on Nick Knowles at your nearest convenience.
2. Finally, a stylish yet practical way to combine helmets and fedoras has emerged
It’s the age-old dilemma that we’ve all grappled with – how do I wear a helmet (for safety) and a fedora (for style, obviously) at the same time? Fashion shouldn’t suffer when your personal welfare gets in the way, and finally we’ve gotten a definitive answer to this question. Simply, as evidenced by the I’m A Celeb official helper, you just place your fedora atop the helmet. Of course. It’s so obvious. It was right in front of us the entire time. You can’t put the fedora underneath the helmet, as it will get bent out of shape. No, it’s the other way around. Thank you, I’m A Celeb, both for the entertainment and the relentless education that you provide unto the masses.
3. Holly and Dec mercilessly bodied Malique throughout the Bushtucker Trial
Good on Dec and Holly, refusing to show a modicum of mercy for Malique, who was eating a variety of delicacies such as a sheep’s penis and a pig’s anus. Rather than going the obvious route of piling him full of encouragement, they opted to make good television instead. That’s what makes their presenting skills a cut above the rest. Mel and Sue would’ve been showering Malique with praise, Richard and Judy would’ve caressed him softly, Eamonn and Ruth would’ve asked him to hurry things along as they’re actually quite pushed for time. But Holly and Dec made fun of his bizarre facial expressions throughout, as is only right.
4. Sair then joined in on the bodying because a family that bodies together, stays together
Such was the banter Dec and Holly were experiencing bodying Malique, Sair decided to join in as well. She smashed her trial with great ease, so put her surplus efforts into adding to the savaging of young Malique Thompson-Dwyer. At the end of the day, that’s what I’m A Celeb is all about. We’re not tuning in to see these celebrities supporting each other through the tough times, that’s not what people remember from previous series. What we want is to see Paul Burrell’s petrified face combined with his babyish whimpering as he tried to find the elusive stars in gross places. Or Gillian McKeith fainting at every available opportunity to avoid having to do any real work. Body Malique. Body Sair. Body Noddy. Body everyone. We want blood.
5. Declan Donnelly burped right in Holly Willoughby’s face
As some kind of involuntary sympathetic response to Malique and Sair’s trial which involved stuffing themselves with gross things, Dec found himself to be a little gassy. Rather than being a professional and stepping off camera to take care of the matter at hand, Dec stood boldly in front of Holly Willoughby and burped straight into her face. What is happening on this year’s I’m A Celeb? Between Anne Hegerty’s incessant farting and now Dec’s burping, it’s almost like they’re on a mission to prove that celebrities are just like you and I – they have inconvenient bodily functions at the most inappropriate moments as well. But also they’re filthy, stinking rich, so whatever.
6. Nick Knowles revealed that he is scared, nay petrified, of knickers
Spread the word, call your loved ones, take out a small advertisement in the local paper because Nick Knowles is afraid of knickers. He wouldn’t touch them, let alone look at them on last night’s I’m A Celeb, citing some bullshit chivalry reasoning, but it was clear as day. He’s frightened. The fabric, the small decorative bows, the patterns, he’s petrified of them. Nick Knowles has gone 56 years without touching women’s panties and came very close to keeping it a secret forever, but last night, the truth was outed. Paralysed with fear, he had to call on John Barrowman to help. John is notoriously unperturbed by knickers, so hung them on the line with great ease as Nick watched, envious of John’s valour.
7. Harry Redknapp delivered the joke of the series
The usual pattern for every I’m A Celeb dinnertime is the following: Harry asks what’s on offer, is appalled by the answer, states that he will not be eating it, makes fun of it, the food is cooked, he tastes it, announces that it’s actually not too bad, then proceeds to eat it. That happens every single night, but the real magic lies in his jibes about the food. Last night he was shocked to hear that they’d be eating camel, at which point he dropped what I am crowning The Joke Of The Series, seen above. Harry Redknapp is many things, but he is also a precious man who we must protect at all costs and crown as deserving king of the I’m A Celeb jungle. Don’t mess this one up, Britain. Your history with voting is colourful at best.
Images via ITV
