Here we…… here we……. here we fucking go!
There’s a gaggle of new contestants entering Love Island on Thursday night and I for one am sufficiently horned about it.
It’s all going to kick off, there’s going to be so many love triangles they’re probably going to use this year’s house as a point of reference in the GCSEs:
‘Kem fancies Amber, but Amber fancies Simon. If you add eleven new contestants to the island, how many of these boys on paper will be literally Amber’s type? Please explain your workings’.
Because I’ve little else to do with my time, I’ve already decided what every single one of these contestants is going to be like, based purely on their promotional photographs.
Steve
Occupation: He’s a personal trainer and former member of So Solid Crew, noted rivals of Blazin Squad. Steve once modelled for stock images, which ended up being used in a commercial for haemorrhoid cream.
Hobbies: Steve enjoys freestyle rapping with an orchestral twist (think Eminem vs Beethoven’s 5th Symphony), also getting natural looking highlights in his hair.
Fancies: Katie Price, but will settle for Olivia or Camilla “if she’d put out”.
Interesting Fact: Steve’s favourite movie is Lady and the Tramp 2: Scamp’s Adventure
Chyna
Occupation: Chyna is a glamour model who’s worked on such prestigious campaigns as the Argos Summer Sale Bonanza, Aldi’s Toilet Cleaner Giveaway and Krufts’ Dog Handler Callout.
Hobbies: She likes watching YouTube makeup tutorials and updating her lifestyle blog which centres around the nutritional benefits of licking yoghurt lids.
Fancies: Jason Statham, but will settle for Dom since he’s likely to be vulnerable yet angry after “his Mrs went off shagging Mike”.
Interesting Fact: Chyna has never been to China, but has visited Bognor Regis twice.
Marino
Occupation: Part-time barman, full-time legend, mad bastard when it suits.
Hobbies: Picking out earrings that the lads won’t describe as ‘girly’, chatting up girls, making full-scale Lego sculptures of celebrities’ feet.
Fancies: Dame Judi Dench, but will settle for Montana if she’s willing to let him call her Philomena sometimes.
Interesting Fact: Marino once took an 11-hour flight and didn’t use the toilet once.
Ellisha-Jade
Occupation: Ellisha-Jade is one of six snake milkers in the world. She’s milked some of the most famous snakes on earth, such as the one that killed Queen Cleopatra.
Hobbies: She enjoys adult colouring books, alphabetising her collection of vintage Disney VHS’ and drinking alcohol from strangers’ bellybuttons.
Fancies: Johnny, as she has a lot of experience with snakes.
Interesting Fact: She has over 7,000 tattoos but a lot of them are internal, also she tells a lot of lies and hates the colour blue.
Rob
Occupation: Rob helps out with photocopying and printing in his Dad’s company and hopes to one day have his own colour photocopier / printer / fax machine.
Hobbies: Socialising, drinking, watching telly, describing insentient things as ‘cheeky’ and looking at his house on Google maps.
Fancies: Himself, but also Tyla, Amber, Camilla, Olivia, Montana and Gabby.
Interesting Fact: Rob can’t prove this, but he once saw the exact moment a caterpillar turned into a butterfly. He describes the experience as ‘Nice, yeah’.
Amelia
Occupation: Neurophysicist at UCLA’s Department of Physics and Astronomy.
Hobbies: Reading, earning multiple PhDs, completing difficult sudokus, speaking at international conferences, tanning.
Fancies: Stephen Hawking, also Chris and Kem “if he’d cut his hair and fix that tiny gap in his teeth”.
Interesting Fact: Amelia sometimes gets mistaken for Marie Curie.
Craig
Occupation: Boxer, motivational speaker and professional balloon animal artist.
Hobbies: Craig likes keeping fit, writing poetry and telling people that he’s actually a very spiritual guy.
Fancies: His chances of competing at Tokyo’s 2020 Olympics, also Olivia and Montana.
Interesting Fact: An anagram of Craig is Carig, which almost spells ‘caring’, which ironically is something that Craig prides himself on not being.
Shannen
Occupation: Inflatable pool toy salesman / club promoter.
Hobbies: Shannen loves tracing her family tree, testing the limits of bottomless Prosecco and adding eyelashes to her car’s headlights.
Fancies: Learning how to spell, also Dom and Chris. She has said Dom will be her bitch by the weekend.
Interesting Fact: Shannen is a proud frigid and has never made eye contact with another person in her life. She’s not expecting that to change when she reaches the island.
Nathan
Occupation: Nathan makes the special spoons that you get in McFlurrys.
Hobbies: Carpentry, salmon fishing in the Yemen, making various shapes with his hands.
Fancies: Amber and Gabby, but also believes he can woo Camilla with his smile and funny little ears alone.
Interesting Fact: Nathan is related to Paul Potts.
Danielle
Occupation: Danielle tests board games for flaws. Each day, she plays up to 400 games without a break.
Hobbies: Playing keepie uppies, re-enacting old episodes of Columbo, resolving foreign conflicts.
Fancies: Danielle fancies Chris, but suspects he would be utterly shit at Guess Who and Frustration.
Interesting Fact: Danielle was the world’s first successful Cabbage Patch baby.
Alex
Occupation: Alex is an actor and has starred as an extra in such shows as Hollyoaks, Holby City and The Valleys.
Hobbies: He enjoys making lassos from different textures of rope, being extremely tough, searching for scrap metal on the beach and brushing his My Little Pony’s hair 50 times before bed.
Fancies: His chances of winning the title of Biggest Male Nipples On The Island, Montana and Penny(?).
Interesting Fact: Alex has been to space! He went there with a mate last summer and “banged loads of alien birds, they were well fit and up for ANYTHING”.
Images via Love Island Facebook
