IT’S BACK IT’S BACK IT’S BACK IT’S BACK!!!
While we’re all busy trying to find any real purpose in our lives now that I’m A Celeb is over, the Love Island reunion promo photograph truly couldn’t have come at a better time.
The gang are back together again and it’s important to remember that most of them thoroughly despise each other by now, which is going to make for some excellent television.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BrPm5oMgnDj/
But who’s most jazzed about the mandatory reunion show that they’re all contractually obligated to attend? Who’s the least enthused? Who’s just thrilled to be invited?
Their secrets, as ever, lie in their smiles.
Let’s rank these unfortunate souls as we kill time between now and the reunion show, which airs Monday 17th December at 9pm on ITV2.
19. Hayley
Although flattered to still be invited to Love Island events, Hayley quite visibly isn’t feeling it. She’s got a shit Christmas jumper on with a design that looks exactly like a piece from Trivial Pursuit, ‘Eagle’ is sitting an uncomfortable two rows away from her and Paul’s foot is basically resting inside her mouth. She’s glad that the guy with no eyebrows isn’t there, but still not entirely chuffed about the whole thing. Hayley is busy, she’s got better things to do with her time these days. Things that start and end with figuring out if Brexit is going to affect Britain’s trees, or more crucially, her ability to get a bi-monthly spray tan. She’s miffed at having to be a pawn in Love Island‘s sadistic little game which continues to play us all.
18. Georgia
Homegirl recently posted an Instagram with the caption “I’m liking off guard photos at the min. Much more natural”, which was accompanied by a photograph that was in no way taken off guard. That’s not even relevant to her pose in the above image, since this was taken extremely on guard. It’s so on guard, a group of fencers are ready to start their match after seeing it. Georgia feels as though she’s better than Love Island, the show that made her who she is today and gave her a staggering 1.5m Instagram followers. Her ex is half a meter away, sitting on a bannister like some kind of cool babysitter who’s eager to impress the kids. She’s bored. Georgia wants to get back to staging off guard selfies and describing herself as ‘real’ and ‘loyal’.
17. Eyal
Samira’s come along and plonked herself right in Eyal’s frame. The guy is a professional model and needs sufficient space to work his angles. He’s livid, confined close to the back row while these blow-ins act like they’ve been in front of cameras more times than he has. It’s not easy trying to convey that you’re handsome but also very deep and spiritual at the same time in a photograph while you’re lumped into an ugly Christmas jumper and resting your head mere millimetres away from the penis of the pinkest man alive. Eyal’s trying to stand out among a sea of mediocrity and to make matters worse, he’s failing to do so. He’s got other things to do, such as appearing on another 4,000 celebrity dating shows before sundown.
16. Dani
In an expected turn of events, Dani Dyer looks like she’d much rather be sat at home figuring out the best way to fold a fitted sheet than attend another godforsaken Love Island reunion. Given that her and Jack broke up (and then reunited) a few days after the above image was taken, perhaps she was trying and failing to put on a brave face. She’s eagerly sat up front, like the girl at school who would remind the teacher that there was homework due to hand in, just in case they had forgotten. But her eyes tell a different story. Dani Dyer doesn’t give a fuck about the Love Island reunion. There, I said it. She does not care. Plus, her boyfriend is wearing Sketchers so she’s clearly dealing with a lot right now.
15. Zara
Although she wasn’t particularly unhappy at the time of the photo shoot, Zara is sure to feel a smidge disappointed with how she’s come across. First, they’ve put her and Adam in the back row meaning they’re falling victim to a very unforgiving camera angle, add to that the fact that she’s the only one who’s fallen for the old ‘Go on, wear a festive hairband, it’ll be funny’ trick, which nobody else was foolish enough to indulge. It’s just not a great time for Zara now that we’re seeing the finished product. She knows it. Her eyes are shielding themselves from the discomfort. She’s been had. The lighting doesn’t even reach her and Adam all the way up the back. This is sabotage.
14. Alex
After recently announcing that he’s ready to return to the NHS, it’s a confusing time for the British public. Obviously we send condolences to those that will have to be looked after by a Doctor who was sleazing all over the telly six months ago, but wish well to daytime television viewers who will no longer have to see him on This Morning talking about the importance of drinking water when you’re hitting on girls, or whatever his shtick entailed. Alex doesn’t even see the reunion as a chance to catch up with old friends, as he’s just worked out that he tried it on with pretty much everyone sitting on the staircase around him and had very little success. Unlucky, pal. Maybe next year.
13. Charlie
Charlie’s family is worth millions of pounds. He really, financially but also morally speaking, doesn’t have to be there. Nobody has thought about him since he and Ellie left Love Island, not even once. Are they still together? Is his name definitely Charlie? Does he still wear a pinky ring? Nobody knows and nobody cares. He’s just there to complete a contractual obligation, then speed off into the abyss in a matte black sports car with the registration plate ‘B1G D1K’. Charlie doesn’t seem keen on Sam’s overfamiliarity in placing a hand upon his shoulder, but he’s waiting until after the photograph has been taken to deck him because he is, at all times, a gentleman.
12. Laura
Sitting mere inches away from her ex, dressed as a Christmas gift and for some reason generously spaced away from any human contact with her fellow Love Island contestants, Laura isn’t really feeling the situation. Her Instagram account has turned into a lucrative advertisement forum, where it’s rare you’ll see much other than #sponcon and more discount codes than a student house’s letterbox that hasn’t been emptied for seven years. She’s done her slog as a minor celebrity and now she’s interested in little other than making some coin. A reunion show where she again has to relay the fact that she didn’t find love on the island isn’t going to pay for her weekly curly blow dry. Leave her alone.
11. Adam
Man has been demoted to the back row and has a multitude of his exes scattered around him. There’s a hint of relief in Adam’s expression, as he realises that Rosie hasn’t gotten the invite to the reunion show. But he’s still not fully comfortable. Adam wanted to be up front with the boys, chatting about girls that he definitely hasn’t pulled since he’s in a loving and committed relationship right now. He craves banter at any cost, but is being deprived of it with this unfortunate seating arrangement. The reunion means nothing to Adam, he’s doing just fine without another public forum allowing him to be exposed as a rat. He can already picture the tweets bodying him beyond belief. Right after this picture was taken, he preemptively deactivated his account.
10. Paul
If you remembered his name before reading it above, congratulations. Paul, a man whose surname is legitimately Knopps, played a fierce Love Island game by targeting the only single person who was likely to make it into the final. He and Laura stayed together for roughly twelve minutes after the show ended and now he does nightclub appearances and asks minor celebrities for selfies at the National Television Awards so that he can caption them “This guy asked for a photo”, thereby pretending that he is indeed the more famous of the two. He’s using the reunion for his CV, nothing more, nothing less. Paul Knopps.
9. Ellie
She’s made it into the second row and they haven’t placed her anywhere near Charlie, who’s standing up because he doesn’t deserve a seat. Things are going pretty well for Ellie, a girl who once fused the words ‘penis’ and ‘penicillin’ together to make ‘penicillin’ and then fell into an uncontrollable fit of laughter. Anything that has happened to her since leaving the villa is a total bonus. Ellie tried to fancy Alex, ffs. She deserves the world and her smile suggests that she knows it too. Ellie made genuine friends on Love Island and although that’s not the correct way to play the game, at least she has pals to pose with on Instagram so she doesn’t look like a total narcissist. All in all, a good time for Ellie Brown.
8. Alexandra
This girl genuinely fancied Doctor Alex for a time and has lived to tell the tale by coming out the other side looking even better than before. He pied her. He! Pied! Her! But Alexandra is still standing, except in this instance she’s sitting. And who’s been relegated to the back row? Alex. Because he is scum. She won. Alexandra got an impressive 1.2m Instagram followers out of her Love Island experience and now she doesn’t even need to have the show in her bio anymore. She played the game and now she’s sitting somewhere between the first and second row at the reunion. Gal is on cloud nine. This is her time. Bow down. She played us all.
7. Kaz
Not only is Kaz at the Love Island reunion, but she’s flying solo for reasons unknown. Her and Josh are still together but he’s not in the cast photograph, which can only mean one thing. Kaz has absorbed him. She is now both Kaz and Josh in one single entity and nobody seems to have clocked it yet. Now she’s going to rake in double the #sponcon earnings, double the appearance fees and double the goodie bags at various mandatory appearances that she has to attend. The Love Island circle is complete. Kaz met Josh, stole him from Georgia, then absorbed his soul. This is love. This is an island. This is Love Island.
6. Wes
Chap is visibly chuffed to still be getting invites to things, to be honest. Wes is standing tall and proud with his girlfriend, wearing a pair of Doc Martens and three quarter length pants. He couldn’t have worn them a year ago, he would’ve been mercilessly bodied by everyone he knew. But now that Wes is somewhat famous, he can do whatever he bloody well wants. The chinstrap facial hair isn’t as alarming as it used to be, nor is his comforting arm resting on Paul’s leg. His life has changed beyond belief. Wes is going to be on Dancing On Ice ffs. The man has achieved all of his wildest dreams and then some. Give him anything he wants.
5. Samira
Oh how the Mighty hath fallen. Just kidding, I just wanted to include her surname in this because it is terrific. Samira had a tough time on Love Island but eventually found love, proving that good things really do come to those who wait (a couple of weeks while getting a free holiday as you do so). Sadly, things didn’t work out with her and Frankie in the end, but guess who’s at the reunion and who isn’t? That’s right. Samira. Minus Frankie. This is the equivalent of going through a breakup and your friends all choosing you over your ex in the ultimate act of solidarity, proving that they just tolerated your other half out of politeness all along. Samira has won this breakup and now she can put him on blast to the entire nation at the reunion show.
4. Kendall
She’s heavily pixelated, but you can still see that smile from a mile away. Kendall was on our television screens for a total of four minutes during the summer, but she’s still landing gigs through her time on Love Island. That is what is known in the business as a hustle. Kendall didn’t even say much. Nobody could identify her voice out of a lineup, but it doesn’t matter. We remember her sad little face when Adam established himself as a gigantic pig when he pied her. He made Kendall memorable and that’s why she’s sitting there in the family photograph, right under his beaming smile. He repulses her to her very core, but at least she’s making bank and gets to be on telly again.
3. Sam
It is unfathomable that a guy like Sam Bird ever got on the telly, let alone is being written about right now. Look at him, he’s living the dream. His eyebrows have almost grown back, he’s playfully sitting on a banister and resting a confident hand on his mate Charlie’s shoulder. Things have peaked for the guy who looks identical to the barista at my local coffee shop and exudes the same energy. Frankly, I’d like to see both guys in the same room because I can’t be absolutely certain that they’re not the same person. Sam and Georgia broke up, but he seems like the kind of guy who gets off on being in the same room as his ex because he firmly believes that there’s still a chance. Mate, there isn’t. But good for you getting out and about.
2. Jack
With a facial expression that suggests ‘Look, I’m as surprised as you are’, Jack looks as though he still can’t quite believe his luck. Just seven months ago, he was selling literal pens to the good people of Great Britain. Now, he’s selling literal pens to the good people of Great Britain, but they cost £9.99 each and are part of his own exclusive brand. He’s also banging Danny Dyer’s daughter and probably got his selection of paraphernalia signed by him as well. Now he’s going to go on a reunion show to prove that his and Dani’s love was real, which is hysterical because it was recorded before they broke up. Even though they’re back together now, it will still be very funny to watch. Congratulations, Jack. You’re playing a blinder.
1. Megan
The cat hath got the cream. Megan steals the spotlight standing proudly out front with Wes, fully accepting of him for who he is, Doc Martens and three quarter length pants included. She’s got ‘SEE? I TOLD YOU IT WAS REAL’ written all over her face. This reunion is the perfect platform for Megan to silence the haters and also debut her bafflingly chic Christmas jumper. Her and Wes are set for life, as evidenced by their power stance. She’s put her hand on his stomach, which is the international sign for ‘MINE’. Meeting Wes on Love Island seems to be the best thing that has ever happened to Megan. She has almost forgotten that she had consensual sex with Eyal multiple times before things fell into place. Merry Christmas!
