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23rd February 2019
05:13pm GMT
Obviously everyone's first choice was Mario, the bloody game was named after him. For this piece to work properly, we need to dig deeper. You're going to have to push yourself, try to remember which character you'd select after your older sibling had already nabbed Mario. This is like when you'd discover that the variety pack of breakfast cereals had been tackled long before you even got out of bed. All of the Coco Pops were gone, so you had to lower your standards and go for something else. Being proud wasn't an option. You had to eat something to avoid starvation.
The only thing selecting Mario proves is that you have quick reflexes. You'd accurately timed the opening sequence on the game and knew the exact moment to hit 'select' so that you'd automatically get assigned to Mario. You're savvy and incredibly sneaky. Your siblings still hate you to this very day. If you were as good at Mario Kart as you let on, you would've been able to win with any character, even Peach.
Luigi
Always the bridesmaid, never the bride. You're the complacent kind, someone who's happy doing the bare minimum and coming away with average results. You've never really pushed yourself, except for that one time you queued all night for the opening of a new Krispy Kreme so that you could get the very first glazed donut of the batch, but that was mostly for the braggy Instagram story. Didn't taste great in the end, did it? Bit too sweet for 5am, but still, nobody needs to know that, we can just keep it between us.
You're the kind of friend that asks "Who's going?" before you commit to a night out because you have to preemptively feel comfortable in your environment. The last time you went out, Dean brought his weird cousin, the one who always asks if you want to get DIY tattoos after the pub. When you go to the cinema, you're easily tricked by the cashier into getting a large combo despite it being more expensive, but refuse to contest it because you're in no way assertive. Your favourite colour is red and you know nothing about plumbing.
Princess Peach
You are a purveyor of what is commonly referred to as BDE (Big Dick Energy), meaning that you give off the energy of someone that is incredibly well endowed, without ever having to outright say it. Perhaps you're not even in possession of a penis, which makes your vibe even more intimidating. People respect you immediately upon being introduced to you. Unintentionally, you give off an air of being sound. You'll instinctively pay for your mate's coffee rather than having to put in two orders, refuse to split a bill because you can see the waiter getting flustered, you'll even carry spare change to pay for your pal's parking.
However, you're not entirely without flaws. Sometimes you'll select the wrong bakery item at self scanner checkouts, not exactly making a huge saving but relishing in the high that comes with petty crime. You don't do it every time, just once in a while to make you feel alive. One time a member of staff caught you doing it, so you played dumb and said your finger must've hit the wrong button. She didn't believe you, but you paddled that lie all the way to completion. Be careful, champ. You wouldn't do well in prison.
Yoshi
Not entirely the sharpest tool at the picnic, you're a bit slow on the uptake when it comes to most things. Friends often prey on your gullibility, landing you in all manner of embarrassing situations. Still, it's not a crime to be too trusting. You're an honest person who sometimes verges on rudeness, lacking the ability to censor yourself. Things really came to a head when you met your cousin's new baby last year and he asked 'Isn't she the cutest baby you've ever seen?', but it's fine, they've probably forgotten all about your answer. The Christening was salvaged after that, remember the cake? Man, that was delicious. Who knew caramel and strawberry went so well together?
Your biggest shortcoming as a person comes in the form of attire. You have a terrible fashion sense, but you're completely oblivious to it. You'll pair bold colours together, layer like it's going out of fashion (it actually is though) and buy things in the wrong size. Nobody has the guts to say it to you, so take this as your warning sign. Please just buy plain clothes and if possible, get someone else to pick out your outfits. Also, stop stalking your ex on Instagram and get a haircut. Would it kill you to call your mother once in a while as well?
Bowser
Angry little bugger, aren't you? Boy oh boy do you have a temper, sonny Jim. When things don't go your way, woe betide anyone that gets between you and your intended outcome. The last time you lost a game of Mario Kart, you flung the controller so hard at your younger brother, he still has a bump in his head 20 years later. Unfortunately, this unnecessary rage has followed you throughout life, manifesting itself in many ways, most recently when you put out the wrong bin for collection. You rang the refuse company and yelled so loud your voice was scratchy for days. Still didn't make a difference, so you switched providers and ended up paying double, lol.
Not to go all 'Ghost of Christmas past' on you, but if you don't change your ways, things are going to take a dart turn. You'll end up isolating yourself from loved ones, becoming intolerable and finding that everyone keeps cancelling plans because they just can't bare to be around you. I recommend taking up an activity to unleash your pent-up anger, something like kickboxing or handing out free samples in town, maybe panel beating as it's the only kind of beating you'll be doing when you pick Bowser in Mario Kart. Also, you need a root canal and the longer you wait, the worse it's going to get.
Donkey Kong Jr.
Bit of an upstart, aren't you mate? Always at the centre of any brawl that breaks out after a friendly game of footy, innocent game of pin the tail on the donkey, even swimming practice. It's not that you crave aggression, it's more that confrontation is the only thing that can make you truly feel alive. You'll dispute anything if you think it's going to lead to a full blown argument. You've left fiancés at the altar because you knew it would result in a heated exchange of words down the line. Some people turn to alcohol, drugs, even reality television to sate their cravings for feeling alive, but you just straight up love having a shouting match.
Still, you've got some positive qualities as well. Family means an awful lot to you. Although you're pretty much guaranteed to be forever alone, you never forget to send a birthday, wedding or anniversary text for your loved ones. One day you'll rejoin the human race and become the sweetheart you were destined to be, but that's only going to happen once you defeat your nemesis - a tiny moustachioed Italian plumber who's on mushrooms most of the time. Best of luck, we're all rooting for you!
Koopa Troopa
You're quite forgettable as a person, people often struggle to remember your name or include you in mailing lists and group chats. It's not that you're a trash person, it's more that your understated presence often leads to you being overlooked. At work, four people know your name and three of them cheated when they were asked. You like to keep your head down, rarely socialising with colleagues, instead opting to go home alone to watch Netflix and cry into your personalised handkerchief that your grandparents gifted you on your 21st birthday. "Thanks", you said. Pussy.
It's clear that you'd like to come out of your shell at some point, but struggle to find the confidence necessary to allow it. Buddy, I'm about to change your life. All you need to do is purchase a leather jacket, expensive pair of sunglasses and also take up social smoking. That is the key to being perceived as cool. Obviously you'll still be a loser underneath it all, but people won't realise that until you start speaking and by then it's far too late to walk away. Trust me, head into town tomorrow morning, spend a bomb on these essential items and you'll see favourable results within 3-5 working days.
Toad
Absolute prankster, aren't we? Just a big bloody messer, always up to no good. You firmly believe that you were put on this earth to have a laugh and also torment everyone you come into contact with along the way. Mario Kart is simply another forum for your stupidity, shunning societal norms by foregoing the usual battle for securing Mario as the starter character, instead loudly proclaiming that you're skilled enough at the game to win with Toad, of all people. It's nonsense, he simply doesn't have the necessary know-how to steal the crown from the others. He is a goddamn mushroom. A fungus.
You and Toad have many things in common, such as looking exactly like the President of the United States' penis, and also never wearing the right clothes for any occasion. As soon as the temperature outside goes above ten degrees, it's 'taps aff' and milk bottle bellies out, proud as the day you were born. At some point, you're going to figure out that it's time to grow up. Nothing major, just move out of your parents' house, get a big boy job and maybe even start paying taxes if you can manage it. Everyone else has moved on, your siblings have kids now, one even has a mortgage. You're always in last place, but if you pull yourself together and summon the right determination, you could be in second last place before too long. Give it socks, Toad. Literally.
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