The All Ireland final is upon us.

Personally, it doesn't put in or out on me. I don't know a damn thing about GAA and I intend to keep it that way. I understand that it would be nice if Mayo won since they're the underdogs, but it isn't going to affect my life in any deep or meaningful way. Sometimes, I fantasise about ending up in the wrong place at the wrong time and being forced to blag my football knowledge to a very convincing level. I like to see how far I can get before my blatant spoofing is exposed. Usually, it's not very far. Here's 17 go-to phrases to use if you want to pretend you know about the importance of today.

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1. At the end of the day, the boys need to keep their heads down, keep their cool and score early. 2. Neither team deserved that outcome. It was a disservice to them both. 3. You have to look at the management. If there's problems up top, it's going to trickle down into the rest of the team. 4. They're not fit enough. They got lazy in the second half and it showed. 5. Their hearts weren't in it. The boys weren't hungry enough last year and they're certainly not hungry enough now. 6. It's a game of two halves. You know it. I know it. The boys know it. 7. That referee is crooked. 8. They're riddled with injuries, I'm surprised the full team is still standing at this point. 9. The game was over by half time. Ridiculous. 10. They need to come out with a bit of fire in the bellies. That's what's missing from the Mayo lads. 11. You'd wonder have the lads acclimatised to the terrain up there yet. I know it's in Dublin, but it'd be a different lifestyle is all... 12. That ball is over inflated, you can see the way it's bouncing around the pitch. Something's not right. 13. It all comes down to attack and defence. If they haven't got that sorted, they may as well go home. 14. They need a stern talking to in that dressing room. Nothing short of a kick up the backside. 15. If they keep this up, we've got the next World Cup in the bag. 16. There was jersey pulling on that pitch. I saw it. The referee saw it and the boys saw it. 17. At the end of the day, the lads are going to get out what they put in, and they know that.