Christ.
If you’re stable enough to brave Dublin City Centre on St Patrick’s Day, fair play to you.
It’s packed, it’s disgusting, it’s full of people wearing clothes they bought in Carrolls.
Just a general not great vibe, to be honest.
Still though, some people love heading into town for a bit of craic, drinking for 12 hours a day, and being sandwiched between 75 people while the match is on.
It’s great.
Anyway, if you do happen to be heading into town today, there are at least 5 kinds of people you are 100 percent going to run into.
This is them.
1. A tourist complaining about the fact that they couldn’t see anything during the parade
You got there at 12.35pm, Susan, what were you expecting?
The true fans have been hanging out at those barriers since 8am this morning. They didn’t let their kids sleep last night because they were up planning how they were going to get into town.
They haven’t eaten since last Wednesday.
You don’t have a right to complain.
2. Some lad saying ‘St Patrick didn’t get rid of ALL the snakes, wha?’ over and over
Like, he’s not wrong in fairness.
3. A girl blaring questionable songs off her phone
In the early 2000’s, this phone would have been a Sony Ericsson.
As a people, however, we have come a long way since then and that phone is now one of the Samsungs or an iPhone 4 – whichever.
Her track of choice is Special D’s Come With Me.
She won’t stop playing it.
4. A garda pretending he’s having the craic
He may be smiling for pics with tourists and wiggling for Boomerangs with the gals but John from Castleknock would really rather be anywhere else right now.
5. A group of lads from the UK drunk in the middle of Temple Bar
Picture the scene now, if you will.
It’s 3pm. The sun is splitting the stones. People are everywhere, celebrating the patron saint of snakes and also Ireland. There are four lads collapsed in the middle of Temple Bar.
They’re wearing matching three-piece suits with shamrocks all over them. One of them has vomited all over himself.
That hasn’t stopped him from shouting slurs at everybody who passes by though.
He thinks the women walking by are into super him.
They’re not.
