The 2016 Olympic Games are exactly two weeks away.
I’m very much looking forward to keeping an eye on the various sporting events as they unfold over the next while. For some reason, sporting events are an ok reason to have the telly on in work, which means a wandering eye is excused on the grounds of staying well informed, ergo, many doss days lie ahead!
The Olympic Games Committee have today announced six new events that will be taking place at Rio 2016. It’s short notice but they’re confident that elite athletes will come forward for each event.
1. Fake Tanning Your Own Back
Athletes must race against the clock to successfully and evenly apply fake tan to themselves. Competitors are prohibited from using any additional objects of their choice to aid the application, and may not, under any circumstances, enlist the help of another party or fellow competitor. A gold medal goes to the first finisher, after an independent judge deems it to be of a high enough standard to withstand a night out.
2. Subtly Checking Your Armpits For Sweat Patches
Competitors must go about their everyday business in a variety of predetermined scenarios which include attending a meeting, walking to the shop and chatting to someone attractive. They need to devise strategic ways to catch a glimpse of their armpits, such as using reflective surfaces, stretching and using the sensation of touch. Bonus points are awarded to those who can quickly reduce the size of the patches.
3. Avoiding Someone You Don’t Want To See
Possibly the most gruelling addition to the Olympic Games, athletes must use a variety of techniques demonstrating their speed, precision and agility when it comes to turning oneself invisible. Injuries are expected to be incurred, so there will be medics nearby at all times. A gold medal will be awarded to the victor who successfully goes undetected in a number of situational activities.
4. Drinking Tequila Without Pulling A Face
The devil’s liquor is mightier than most, but an elite few are blessed to be the exception. Athletes will each be given a sachet of salt, wedge of lemon and a standard shot of Tequila. Each will be assigned an adjudicator who monitors any eyebrow movement, eye twitches, mouth turning or shoulder shimmies. The winner is the brave soul that can successfully keep a neutral face before, during and after the shot.
5. Being Exceptional At Facebook Creeping
Participants will be each be given a brief which includes a vague description of a person they do not know. They will then be allotted two hours to uncover as much information about this individual using a variety of methods on Facebook. A series of questions will be asked at the end, ranging from their dog groomer’s name to their ex-lover that they went to Marrakesh with in 2007.
6. Successfully Achieving Even Eyeliner
Athletes will each be handed their eyeliner brand of preference, with a specified time allotment during which they must successfully achieve and perfect their eyeliner on both eyes. Symmetry is vital, as they will battle it out to be crowned the best eyeliner applicator in the world. Amateurs are encouraged to apply for this event, and can do so by getting in touch with the Olympic Games Committee directly. Simply call 1890-THIS-IS-CLEARLY-MADE-UP.
Unedited lead image via Wikipedia
