College is fun.
It’s the first time in your life where you finally feel like an adult, going out into the big bad world with nobody around to hold your delicate little hand. You learn a lot about yourself, and most importantly, you meet new people that you might’ve never been exposed to before.
Here’s 6 people you’re guaranteed to encounter when you venture off to college.
GAA Star Gary
He’s played in Croke Park twice and is therefore hailed a hero back home, not that he’d let you forget it. Gary dresses exclusively in O’Neills gear and will frequently sport a bandage or walking aid of some sort due to overexerting himself in training. Fail to prepare, prepare to fail, as he always says.
The lecturers have a soft spot for Gary because he’s very charming. His work ethic isn’t remarkable, but he gets on well with his classmates and is nice to look at. College is a mere stepping stone for Gary, as he prepares to begin his life as a nationwide heart-throb once he gets selected for the county team.
High Strung Hayley
She’s still in Leaving Cert mode and it’s going to take an awful lot of 2 for 1 Jägerbombs to knock it out of her. Hayley got up in the high 500s in the Leaving and spent her induction day asking everyone in the class how many points they got and whether this particular course was their first choice or not.
It’s enjoyable watching her steady descent into student life, as her hair and makeup become increasingly disheveled with every passing week. She’s a lovely girl, but grades mean literally everything to our Hayley. It’s very likely you’ll overhear her exclaim “I’m not here to make friends” on a night out. Bless.
Stoner Simon
He’s the loveable little stoner that every course needs. Simon seems to be off enjoying life in his own little world for a large portion of the time. Once word gets out that Simon is actually a genius and has been a member of Mensa since he was eight, everyone is taken aback and suddenly gains even more respect for him.
Simon puts in very little effort, but still manages to annihilate everyone when it comes to exam time, taking the top prize and graduating overall with a first class honours. At your ten year reunion, that groovy little stoner will have blossomed into the CEO of Facebook or something, the cheeky little underdog!
Mature Mary
For the first part of the year, everyone is terrified of Mary. She’s lived a colourful and intimidating life that she frequently shares in heated debates during class. Her close relationships with all the lecturers is intimidating at first, but eventually it dawns on you that she had no choice, you and your peers are probably very annoying.
She eventually cracks and becomes a very solid member of the crew, with everyone turning to her for a mothering touch. Shockwaves hit the course when rumours spread that she has killed seven people and spent the last few years in prison. She’s sound though, so even if it’s true, what harm?
Enthusiastic Eamonn
You’d get a headache watching Eamonn shmooze around campus trying to weasel his way into every opening of a crisp packet available. It’s his sole mission to be involved in everything and spread himself so thin that he is admitted to hospital with a stomach ulcer by the end of the first semester.
It eventually pans out that being the head of seventeen clubs and societies was Eamonn’s way of avoiding the truth: He’s not even enrolled in the college! He’s just been hanging around campus and attending lectures to keep himself busy and avoid transition year at school. FFS Eamonn you’re 15!
Session Head Sarah
She’s a mad bitch and it’s very hard to condemn her for it. Sarah has been drinking cans since primary school and is a fully seasoned legend. She will take you down with her haphazard ways, whether you like it or not. She’s going to get her version of a golden week (5 nights on the booze) if it kills her.
What sets Sarah apart from the likes of yourself is her ability to function while being obscenely hungover. Out until 6am with a 9am lecture the next day? Not a bother to our Saz. “I’ll sleep when I’m dead”, she says, as she puts enough weight on her Red Bull induced jittery leg to steady it. Good Christ she’s cool.
