“Someone pissed in me” – Exclusive interview with the green Olympic swimming pool

It's early morning in Rio de Janeiro.

I've just caught a red eye flight from Ireland and I'm exhausted. The only thing that's keeping me going is the sheer excitement of knowing that I'm about to meet someone very special indeed. I arrive at the designated meeting point and my heart is thumping through my chest. This is just the kind of career-defining interview that I need. She's here. The swimming pool is here.

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Me: Swimming pool, it's an absolute pleasure to meet you. How are things? SP: Ciara, please, call me Maria. I'm a huge fan of your work. That piece you wrote about Dioscó na mBó was the most exceptional piece of writing I've ever read. Me: Completely agree Maria, thank you. Let's get into it then. What on Earth is going on? Maria: I'm at my wits end. I've suddenly turned green and nobody can explain it. It's so embarrassing, this is the swimming pool version of a person turning red. The Olympic Committee are doing their best to figure out what the hell is happening. Me: Have you any suspicions yourself as to what's causing this? Maria: SOMEONE PISSED IN ME, CIARA! There's a well known myth that some swimming pools have a special dye in them that's triggered when someone goes for a wee. Well, the truth is, it's not a myth. It's actually true. I strongly believe that this is what's happened here. Some repulsive athlete has quite literally taken the piss. Me: Stop, that's so disrespectful. Have you any idea who it might've been? Maria: SO disrespectful. Ciara, I'm 90% certain it was Tom Daley. I overheard him chatting to his diving partner before their dive. He said "Christ I really need a piss". Now, putting two and two together, that's fairly damning evidence against Britain's little pride and joy. Me: Omg! Maria: Yeah. I know. What's most annoying is that "experts" are now saying that there's some kind of algae present in the water. Well, in my 9 years as a swimming pool, I've never seen nor heard of anything like it. Next they'll be telling us that Shrek fell in! Me: There were a few unsettling allegations going around that some excitable Irish fans had dyed your fine self green out of sheer patriotism? Maria: That's a ludicrous allegation. We all know the Irish are too busy being gas to have time for that kind of organised crime. Me: True. We are incredibly gas. So, what's the plan from here? Maria: Well they're doing ongoing tests to determine what the reason for the algae is. Even though I've told them it was Tom Daley who's caused all this, they're still pursuing other reasoning. I guess, going forward, they'll just need to drain me (along with Tom's piss) and then fill me up again, like a household kettle. Me: Maria, I really hope things get sorted quickly, it's an awful thing to go through for anyone. Maria: Thanks Ciara, I hope so too. If you ever find yourself in Rio again, stick your head in for a quick swim. Me: Maria, I would love nothing more than to swim inside you. Take care! Maria: Mind yourself, good woman.    

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Lead image via Ask Men