The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.
I’m sitting in a hotel room in an undisclosed location just outside Dublin. The room is booked for an hour and I’ve already been here for twenty minutes. Still no sign of my guest. I’m nervous and excited at the same time. What if he doesn’t turn up? What if he’s rude? What if he’s been in an accident and my chance to meet him is gone as quickly as it arrived?
There’s a gentle knock at the door. He’s here. Gerry Adams’ (not self-identified as white) iPhone is here.
Me: Gerry’s iPhone, it’s a pleasure to meet you. I’m honoured that you could take the time out to chat with me today.
Gerry’s iPhone: Absolutely no problem at all Ciara, I’m a huge fan. That video you did about Nadine Coyle’s date of birth was an important milestone for journalism both in Ireland and worldwide.
Me: Stop you’re making me blush. Thanks. Right, let’s get started. What’s it like being Gerry Adams’ iPhone?
iPhone: It’s a bit of a roller coaster to be honest, not just because Ronan Keating’s phone number is in my phonebook, haha! I try to do my best for Gerry. He needs a reliable piece of technology that can keep him in touch with the various goings-on in different places at all times. Also, most importantly, he needs a device from which to tweet ridiculous nonsense when the mood strikes him.
Me: You said it, not me! What do you make of his tweets?
iPhone: Oh, I don’t know. Some of them aren’t quite to my liking, but that’s none of my business. I try to turn a blind eye to the more ridiculous ones. Frankly, it’s not always a great representation of Gez. But when he nails it, he absolutely nails it! Have you seen the one about Shrek? Then Shrek replied? Phenomenal banter.
Me: Yeah I have, it was gas! Speaking of films, he sent out a very questionable tweet at the weekend, how did that happen?
iPhone: Oh Christ, I knew you’d want to ask about that. Honestly, I did everything in my power to stop him. I got a vibe that Gerry was going to tweet something controversial, as he tried to unlock me with great force. I have a few strategies that I use to buy me some time in situations like this. I refused to pick up on Gerry’s thumbprint three times, forcing him to manually enter the unlock code. Then, I took my time loading the Twitter app. It didn’t make much of a difference, he persevered and typed out the tweet anyway. I prompted about seven autocorrects for that controversial ‘N-word’, but he kept correcting it himself. He was determined and frankly, I didn’t realise what I was up against. When he pressed ‘tweet’, my heart sank. I knew we were in trouble.
(Unedited image via Today FM)
Me: Wow, it sounds truly harrowing. I’m so sorry you had to go through that ordeal. What happened next?
iPhone: Thanks Ciara, it was tough. Things went quiet in the moments after it was tweeted. I thought maybe everything was ok. Sadly not. Within five minutes, his notifications had blown up, my battery was almost completely out of juice. His “people” were ringing and angry followers were calling him all sorts. I felt like an innocent child stuck in the middle of a very hairy divorce. It wasn’t a great position to be in.
Me: Definitely not, no. Ok, I know for legal reasons you can’t go into too much detail about it all, but I will ask you this: Have you ever been fearful towards Gerry?
[At this point, the iPhone goes into sleep mode. I can tell he’s upset, but I want answers. Eventually, the iPhone comes back to life]
iPhone: Sorry about that, I promised myself I wouldn’t get emotional. I always put on a brave face, but it’s time to come clean. I’m fearful for my life. I panic every time he unlocks me. You wouldn’t believe the things I’ve seen and heard. Gerry’s on level 178 of Candy Crush. Have you any idea the toll that takes on my battery life? AN ENORMOUS TOLL, Ciara. He never looks after me. I just want to be given a wipe every now and then, maybe a protective case and a decent charge every ni-
[The iPhone rings. It’s Gerry. I try to make out his muffled words, but to no avail. He’s angry. I decide to change the topic. It’s almost as if the iPhone was bugged…]
Me: Don’t get too upset on me, iPhone. I understand your frustrations, but surely there must be some perks of the job?
iPhone: Sometimes I overhear his ideas for tweets and they’re funny, I suppose. If you think his published tweets are bad, you should see what’s saved in his drafts! He’s a divil. I guess sometimes we have fun, I’m just very stressed at the moment. He’s got a lot of things going on that I can’t really discuss, for legal reasons.
Me: I’m not surprised at all. Listen, I won’t take up any more of your time. I’m sure Gerry needs you more than I do! It’s been an absolute pleasure chatting, thanks for meeting me today and best of luck with everything.
iPhone: Thanks Ciara, I appreciate it. Also, Gerry wanted me to pass on his best and remind you that he was never involved in the IRA in any capacity whatsoever. Cheers!
