Intro.
Romeo and Juliet is one of the most f**ked up love stories of all time. It’s completely bananas from start to finish and I’ve a hard time trying to identify with either of their actions throughout the entire story.
Luckily, the decision to cast Leonardo DiCaprio in the 1996 film adaptation piqued a lot of interest and it suddenly became apparent why Juliet essentially undertook the actions of a mad woman, while tolerating his bullshit.
But imagine if their story took place in Ireland, as opposed to Verona? Let’s indulge this curiosity and figure out the differences.
They wouldn’t be called Romeo and Juliet, that’s for sure
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You’d be looking at something along the lines of Niamh and Patrick, with Patrick often being abbreviated to Pa. Another guarantee is that their surnames would be a damn sight different as well. Montague and Capulet wouldn’t be found, it’s the Fogartys and the O’Shaughnessys, obviously.
Not a hope in hell would they meet at something as glamorous as a masquerade ball
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County colours night at the local pub would be a more realistic location for our star-crossed lovers. Patrick would spill his pint of Bulmers over Niamh’s best friend, and after some intense discussions, she’d decide not to press charges. They’d awkwardly dance the night away and exchange numbers outside.
Their families would be rivals, but for the most ridiculous reason
It would soon come to light that Patrick’s granddad used to own a butchers in town, right opposite Niamh’s grand-uncle’s butchers. They had a heated rivalry in the 1940s with regards to pricing and sourcing their meat, which ultimately led to a bit of a scuffle outside the town hall on evening. Pa’s granddad lost a tooth, but gained a valuable lesson in marketing.
You’d be hard pushed to find a balcony
Anyone that has a balcony in Ireland comes under the category of notions, as they’re likely to be well aware of already. Patrick and Niamh’s version of the balcony scene would involve him tapping on her bedroom window when her parents are gone to bed, then professing his love for her at eye level, as she lives in a bungalow. They can’t even kiss because if she opens the window it’ll set off the alarm and her Mam will have a fit.
They absolutely wouldn’t get married
Niamh and Patrick’s version of getting married would be the exchange of his club hoodie when she gets a bit cold on a night out. She’d sleep in it until mushrooms started growing out of it, whilst repeatedly ignoring Pa’s WhatsApp inquiries as to when he can have it back <3
The character names would be a lot different
Nothing as exotic as Benvolio, Balthasar, Mercutio and Tybalt would grace the Irish version of Romeo and Juliet, that’s for sure. Characters such as Murf, Decky, Johno, Eggy, Mick and Walshy play a vital role in the story, with Father Begley taking the place of Friar Laurence, alongside our precious Niamh and Pa.
There wouldn’t be a duel in sight
Tybalt, now called Johno, would challenge Patrick to a drag race rather than a duel. The local huns would line out to watch, as they battled it out to be crowned the biggest legend going. If the victor was unclear, the baiis would simply resort to baiting ten shades of shite out of each other, as Niamh and he best friend Kelly-Anne looked on.
Instead of poison, they’d just drink the heads of themselves
Not an apothecary in sight, Niamh would achieve her ‘two and forty hour’ coma by drinking the absolute head of herself on a Saturday night with the gals. Pa would be sickened that she got in such a state without him, so he’d then go ahead and drink the head of himself as some weird form of revenge. They’d die with hangovers and eventually reconcile to go the chipper a few days later. For never was there a story of more woe, that than of Niamh and her Patrick x
Lead image via Movie Boozer
