What sort of deranged lunatic is still making phone calls in 2016?

There needs to be some sort of public announcement made to inform the masses that phone calls are no longer acceptable in society. Send a text like a normal person, FFS! Along with being a deeply invasive and uncomfortable affair, phone calls are also a very harrowing and disturbing experience, with an unlimited range of variables to consider. The entire ordeal is troubling and needs to be abolished immediately. Here's 5 harrowing stages you experience when tasked with making an important phone call.

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1. Ordering Silence You're a woman on a mission, thundering around the house informing people that you need to make an important call on the house phone, so they'd better be quiet and steer clear. That's right, you're going to give the house phone it's yearly use for the big occasion. You simply can't rely on the unpredictability of a mobile phone for this one. What if the battery dies? You run out of credit? The signal goes? Not a risk to be taken today. Not when an important call is being made.   2. Preparation Like some sort of psychopath, you'll practice your opening lines before you even head into the same room as the house phone. Bullet points will be drafted with gay abandon as you prepare for any number of situations that may arise during the call. There is no room for failure, you must cover all topics listed. As a precautionary measure, you have a laptop nearby with Google open in case they use any big words you don't understand. Nothing is going to drag you down, not today.   3. Anticipation This is it, you've mustered up the courage and dialled the phone number very slowly and carefully. Your heart is thumping. Who's going to answer? Will they be nice? Are you going to make a balls of this? Probably. The phone continues to ring and with each passing tone, you feel awash with a glimmer of hope. Maybe they won't answer? You might actually get away with this. No, cop on and ring again immediately. This needs to be done today.   4. The Execution You dial the number again. They answer. You get slightly flustered but manage to stick to your concise 400-word script with accompanying diagrams. This is actually fine, the other person is quite reasonable and not half as intimidating as you expected. There's a few minor areas of clarification required, but you take a quick moment and acknowledge your valiant efforts of getting your big grown up job done.   5. Satisfaction As you hang up the phone, you forcefully punch the air with a combination of adrenaline and relief. It's over, you've done it. The doubters can do one because you've certainly silenced them now, you big adult. Stick on the kettle, put your feet up and bask in the comfort of knowing that you've successfully requested a new bin collection timetable. People are going to talk about your bravery for years to come, and let them. You've made history here today. Well done babe x