Dan’s a dick, am I right?
You need to let that big jerk know that you’re over him. He didn’t love you at your worst so he certainly doesn’t deserve you at your best, which is obviously right now.
The main aim here is to get him to come crawling back to you (via text), at which point you can smugly reply ‘New phone, who dis?’
Here’s 5 foolproof ways you can prove to that d*ckhead Dan that you’re definitely over him.
1. Be insufferably happy on social media
Dan needs to know that your life is much better without him. He’s not going to work that one out for himself, you need to literally spell it out for him on all forms of social media. Resist the urge to block him on every platform as he will be unable to witness your newly perfect life. Then, immediately start posting inspirational quotes along with blissfully happy selfies that are captioned with ‘Living my best self, such a happy girl right now, perfect life xx’, this way he’ll know you are truly chuffed.
2. Bad mouth him to anyone that will listen
Chances are you’ve made some crossover acquaintances during your time together. It’s vitally important that you choose wisely for this next step. Anyone that’s extremely close to Dan needs to be under the impression that you are absolutely fine, so avoid his BFFs for the time being. Next, hone in on his friends that you always suspected actually hated him deep down. They’re the ones whose judgements need to be clouded. Tell them all his secrets, such as his fondness for women’s tights and the shrine to David Tennant he keeps in his wardrobe.
3. Dramatically change your hair
The most blatant way to convince someone that you’re completely over them is by giving your hair a big dramatic overhaul. Those split ends needn’t reflect your recent split, hun. Smarten up, get a pixie cut and dye it blue for the absolute banter. If anything, it’ll mean that Dan will definitely notice you the next time you end up in the same nightclub and he’s pretending not to see you, like the big arsehole that he is. Get a good look, Daniel, because you will never get near this again.
4. Literally tell him you’re over him
It’s vital that you’ve a few jars buried inside you before you take this particular course of action. Don’t go near your phone with the likes of a smoothie inside you because we both know that’s certainly not you at your best self. When you’re sufficiently alight inside, send old Danny boy a quick text informing him that you barely even remember his name, and that you’re so over him he’s just a blur in the distance by now. Use as many paragraphs as you need to get your point across, so there’s no possible way he can misconstrue your feelings.
5. Move on with someone better in every possible way
You need to very publicly move on from Dan with someone that is ten times the man he was. Dan got a C2 in Physics in the Leaving Cert? Better find you a man who bagged himself a C1, my friend. Lucky for you, Dan’s got a twin brother who’s an accountant. Jackpot! Slowly and very subtly slide into his DMs and strike up a relationship to end all other relationships (including his current one). Date for 4 years, get married, have 3 children and move into a nice semi-D in Ranelagh. Dan will be kicking himself and you will have officially won the breakup war. You go girl!
